Shidduch dating. The magical world where your entire essence is condensed into a one-page shidduch resume. It is easy to feel like you’re being reduced to a neatly formatted Word document and your worth is measured in font size and bullet points. You can’t help but wonder: “Am I a person or just a resume?” If you’ve ever felt more like a list of qualifications than a living, breathing person, and you need some shidduch dating humor, this post is for you.
The Great Reduction
Remember when you thought you were a complex, multifaceted individual with hopes, dreams, and a secret obsession with artisanal pickles? Well, think again! In the shidduch dating world, you’re now:
– Name: [Insert catchy headline here]
– Age: [Preferably under 25, over that and you’re practically expired]
– Height: [Must be taller than a kitchen counter, shorter than a basketball hoop]
– Occupation: [Something impressive, but not too impressive – we don’t want to intimidate anyone]
– Hobbies: [Reading, chesed, and definitely NOT endless scrolling on social media]
Congratulations! You’ve just been reduced to the dating equivalent of a cereal box nutritional label. But hey, at least your fiber content is high!
The Photo Finish
The shidduch photo – where you need to look simultaneously modest and attractive, without seeming too polished. It’s about striking a balance between “I could be your perfect match” and “I’m genuinely down-to-earth.
Pro tip: Include a full-body shot. Not because anyone’s judging your figure but to show that you’re a complete person and not just a face in a frame.
The Family Portrait
Next comes the family background. You know the drill: parents, siblings, their professions, and where everyone lives. It’s like a genealogical resume, and you’re the latest edition. “Oh, your grandfather is a rabbi, and your brother is a dentist? Very impressive,” people say.
You nod, smiling politely, all the while thinking, “Does my brothers’s dental practice really affect my ability to be a good spouse?”
The Shidduch Reference Game
Nothing says romance like having your third-grade teacher vouch for your marriage potential. “Yes, little Moshe always shared his crayons. He’s definitely husband material!” Because if you can color inside the lines, you can clearly navigate the complexities of a lifelong partnership.
And let’s not forget the classic reference questions:
“On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely is it that this person will remember to take out the trash without being reminded?”
“Can they fold a fitted sheet? This is crucial information.”
The Hobby Hustle
Then there’s the hobbies section. Here’s where you try to sprinkle some personality into your resume. “Enjoys reading, hiking, and playing the violin,” it says. But let’s be honest—when was the last time you actually hiked? And that violin? It’s collecting dust in the corner of your room.
The matchmaker nods approvingly. “Ah, an active and cultured individual.” You chuckle internally, knowing your real hobbies include stalking people on Instagram and experimenting with avocado toast recipes. But hey, those toast recipes could enhance your shalom bayis!
Shidduch Dating Comedy
Picture this: You’re sitting across from a well-meaning shadchan armed with a stack of resumes thicker than a New York deli sandwich. They are trying to match you based on your resume and their sixth sense for compatibility. Your name, age, education, family background, and a handful of hobbies are neatly typed out. It’s like a bizarre job interview, except instead of selling your skills, you’re trying to convince someone you’re not a complete meshuggeneh.
Once your resume passes the initial screening, it’s time for the interview.
Shadchan: “So, tell me about your strengths.”
You: “Well, I make a mean cholent and I’ve never been arrested. That’s marriage material, right?”
And then: “What’s your hashkafa?” “Do you plan on making aliyah?” “What do you do in your spare time?” “What would you do if you won the lottery?”
The Human Behind the Resume
While it may be fun to read a shidduch parody resume, the shidduch resume system can make you feel objectified. Remember that you’re so much more than a list of attributes on a page. You’re a wonderfully complex human being with quirks, dreams, and, yes, maybe even a questionable pickle obsession.
Even funny Shidduch resumes are just a starting point. They’re the opening act, not the whole show. As any Shidduch dating coach can remind you, it’s crucial to remember that behind every resume is a real person with unique qualities, aspirations, and genuine emotions.
Be honest about your interests, even if they seem mundane. Share your real hobbies, your funny stories, and your genuine thoughts. Let your true self shine through those neatly typed lines. After all, a relationship built on authenticity will always outshine one built on polished bullet points.
Embrace the process with a smile, a touch of Shidduch humor, and a healthy dose of authenticity. Remember, you’re not just a resume—you’re a vibrant, unique individual with much to offer.
And if all else fails, you can always add “expert resume writer” to your list of skills. That’s bound to impress someone, right?
Fed Up With Funny Shidduch Resumes?
Dating can be hard and even the funniest Shidduch humor might not make you laugh when it’s too personal. Miriam Zeitlin, a Brooklyn-based Shidduch dating coach, helps bring out your authenticity so you can show your best self to your bashert. Contact Miriam for more details.
