Shalom Bayis – Understanding its Essence

Feb 27, 2024
By Miriam Zeitlin

Shalom Bayis is a concept that resonates deeply within the heart of the Jewish people, but its wisdom is universal, touching the core of families and couples across all cultures. The term “Shalom Bayis” literally translates to “peace in the home” and it represents much more than just the absence of conflict. It’s about creating an environment of love, respect, understanding, and tranquility. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, stress and friction too often find their way into our homes. Shalom Bayis is not just a phrase. It is a way of life.

As the old joke goes: Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. In the end, you wish you had a club and a spade. While this is obviously a joke, there is some truth to it. We all have moments in our relationships that we wish we could just run away from it all.

Join me, Miriam Zeitlin as I explore the meaning of shalom bayis and offer guidance to help when shalom bayis issues do arise.

Why Everyone Needs Shalom Bayis in Their Home

At its core, Shalom Bayis is about nurturing a peaceful, loving, and respectful environment within the household. It’s about cultivating an atmosphere where each family member feels valued, understood, and supported. Think of it as teamwork, where every player contributes positively, making the home a haven of tranquility and mutual respect.

However, let’s clear a common misconception: Shalom Bayis is not about creating a ‘perfect’ household where disagreements and conflicts don’t exist. That’s unrealistic and, frankly, a bit dull. It’s not about sweeping issues under the rug or putting on a façade of happiness. Rather, it’s about addressing conflicts constructively, with patience and understanding, ensuring that the home remains a place of comfort and love.

The Pillars of Shalom Bayis

Respect: All family members’ thoughts, feelings, and opinions are valued.
Understanding: There’s a consistent effort to see things from the other person’s perspective.
Love: Unconditional love is the foundation upon which the family relationship is built.
Compassion: Family members show empathy and care for one another’s well-being.
Patience: Differences are settled with calmness and self-control.
Commitment: Being committed to the marriage even during turbulent days.

What Shalom Bayis Isn’t

A Conflict-Free Zone: Shalom Bayis doesn’t mean conflicts never arise. It is learning how those conflicts should be managed and resolved.
A One-Person Effort: It isn’t the responsibility of one spouse alone but rather a collective effort.
Perfection: A home with Shalom Bayis isn’t a perfect home, but rather one where imperfections are accepted and worked on together.
Suppressing Feelings: It’s not about keeping quiet to avoid disputes. It’s about constructively expressing feelings.

“Sarah and Chaim had been married for ten years, but their constant bickering had created a tense atmosphere at home. Every Friday evening, as she lit the Sabbath candles, she would daven with a lot of emotion for peace and harmony in their home. Seeing their mother crying each week as she lit the candles, the children asked her about her tears. She shared with them that her deepest desire was peace in the home. Inspired by their mother’s words, the children began to contribute to creating an atmosphere of peace, trying to resolve disputes calmly and speaking kindly to one another. Gradually, the parents also began to change, and the family found their way to a more peaceful coexistence, embodying the spirit of Shalom Bayis.”

Why Strive to Resolve Shalom Bayis Issues?

Besides for the obvious reasons to pursue Shalom Bayis, like wanting to avoid a cold war over the thermostat or learning to interpret correctly, “I’m fine”, the pursuit of Shalom Bayis is essential for several reasons:

Blessing in the home: It says that if a husband and wife are worthy, the Shechina dwells among them. This refers to whether there is Shalom Bayis between them. There is no greater vessel for blessing in the home than Shalom Bayis.
Mental and Emotional Health: A peaceful home environment contributes to all its inhabitants’ mental and emotional well-being.
Children’s Development: It sets a strong foundation for children, teaching them how to maintain healthy relationships throughout their lives.
Social Harmony: The principles of Shalom Bayis, when extended beyond the home, can lead to a more peaceful and cohesive society.

Practical Shalom Bayis Tips

Achieving Shalom Bayis requires effort and dedication. Here are some Shalom Bayis daily and practical tips to help cultivate peace in your home:

Communication is Key

Listen Actively: Avoid distractions like phones, laptops, and books. Give full attention to what your family members are saying without interrupting. Listen to understand, not just to respond.
Speak Kindly: Focus on your tone of voice and communicate successfully. Choose words that are soft, positive, and encouraging.
Express Yourself: Share your thoughts and feelings openly but with sensitivity to how they might be received. Timing is as essential for the message as how you say it. Choose a time to discuss difficult conversations when the other person isn’t tired, hungry, or stressed.
Avoid Assumptions: Don’t jump to conclusions; ask questions to understand the other person’s point of view.
Embrace Humor: Finding the humor in situations not only alleviates tension, but creates a deeper connection and understading.

Practice Patience and Forgiveness

Exercise Patience: Recognize that people have different emotional responses and perspectives. Give your husband or wife the space they need to process.
Forgive Easily: Let go of grudges and give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.

Compliments and Gratitude

Compliment: It is so easy to overlook this when you are comfortable with someone and used to them, but everyone needs to hear how awesome they are and how good they look..
Acknowledge Efforts: Sometimes, all it takes is a simple ‘thank you’ or a random act of kindness to make a family member feel loved and valued. Don’t underestimate the power of appreciation.

Managing Shalom Bayis Problems and Conflicts

Use “I” statements: When discussing issues, use “I” statements rather than “You” statements to express how you feel. For example, say, “I feel upset when…” instead of “You always make me upset by…”. “I” statements are less accusatory, less likely to make the other person defensive, and more effective in communicating your feelings and perspective.
Focus on the Issue, Not the Person: It is so easy to get caught up in emotions and start attacking the person instead of addressing the issue. Focus on the problem without resorting to personal attacks or bringing up past issues. Stick to the current situation and discuss ways to resolve that specific problem. This approach helps in finding a solution without damaging the relationship.
Seek a solution: Aim for a resolution where both parties can feel satisfied with the outcome. This might mean compromising or finding a middle ground. Collaboration can sometimes lead to a more creative and mutually beneficial solution.
Same team: The goal is not to “win” the argument but to resolve the conflict in a way that respects both your needs and perspectives. Remember that you are both playing for the same team.

Spend Quality Time Together

Daily/weekly time together: With our busy schedules and in today’s digital age, our marriages get left in the dark. Make a conscious effort to spend quality time together – spend at least 15- or 20 minutes bonding each day. Try to have weekly date nights as well.

Encourage Personal Growth

Support Ambitions: Encourage each other to pursue interests and goals. If your spouse has a dream, be the loudest cheerleader so they feel supported to pursue that dream.
Set Boundaries: Allow space for individuality within the framework of your relationship. Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship. They help maintain respect and prevent misunderstandings.
Respect Differences: Every individual is unique, with their own set of beliefs, habits, and quirks. Embrace these differences within your family. Respectful disagreement is healthy and can lead to growth and understanding.

Maintain Intimacy and Affection

Show Affection: Regular hugs, kisses, and cuddles can strengthen the marital bond.
Keep Romance Alive: Couples need to nurture the romantic aspect of the relationship.

Shalom Bayis and the In Law Family: An Integral Link

While the concept of Shalom Bayis primarily focuses on the dynamics between spouses, the relationship with in-laws – the extended family – is an essential element of a peaceful household. These relationships can often be complex and require their own set of skills and understanding. In-laws are an extension of your spouse, and the way you interact with them can significantly impact the atmosphere in your home. Respecting and honoring your spouse’s family is a reflection of your respect for your spouse.

Here’s how to approach in-law relationships and balance Shalom Bayis and the wife’s family, or husband’s family:

Show Respect: Showing respect to your in-laws is crucial. Acknowledge their role in your spouse’s life and the wisdom they may bring due to their knowledge of his life before you came along.
Set Boundaries: Healthy boundaries are essential in all relationships. Discuss with your spouse the boundaries that you both feel are necessary to maintain a respectful and loving relationship with your in-laws.
Avoid Comparison: Do not compare your in-laws to your own family or to any ideal standard. Accept them as they are, with their unique traits and habits.
Discuss Concerns with Your Spouse: If you’re facing issues with your in-laws, discuss this with your spouse calmly and without blame. Work together to find solutions.
Maintain Positivity: Focus on the positive aspects of your in-laws and try to overlook minor annoyances. A positive mindset can change the nature of interactions.

Seek Shalom Bayis Help When Necessary

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we might need external help. If you’re in a frum marriage and feel helpless, don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a mentor, Rav, coach, or therapist. In cases of lesser need, Jewish marriage and Shalom Bayis books can also offer practical and useful advice.

Abuse in any way, shape, or form is never ok. If you are in an abusive relationship, there are organizations and confidential helpli nes that you can call (anonymously) if needed.

Shalom Bayis: A Labor of Love

Shalom Bayis requires consistent nurturing and attention. It’s about building a home filled with love, understanding, and respect. While conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, they can be resolved in ways that strengthen bonds rather than weaken them. By incorporating the Shalom Bayis tips shared above, you can work towards creating a harmonious environment that benefits your family and contributes to the well-being of society as a whole.

Even the best relationships need a little guidance at times. If you feel like you would benefit from relationship coaching, reach out to an experienced relationship coach like Miriam Zeitlin. With years of experience, she can help you with issues before they snowball into much bigger problems.