In the traditional world of shidduch dating, singles often face a complex web of expectations and norms. As a Shidduch dating coach, I want to offer a fresh perspective on Shidduch advice, emphasizing the importance of making Shidduch dating a personal experience while creating meaningful connections at the same time. I will explain ways to move beyond the confines of the rigid Shidduch system and its many unspoken rules, give tips on handling Shidduch rejection, and discuss some of the dos and don’ts of Shidduch dating.
My #1 Shidduch Dating Advice: Be Open-Minded
I know you have all heard this a million times: Be open-minded in dating. It may sound cliché, but it is the one piece of advice you should listen to. Chemistry, or the feeling of really clicking with someone, is hard to predict. It’s not always the people who seem perfect for each other on their Shidduch resume who have the best connection. So, being open to different people, who may be a bit unlike the types you generally date, can lead to surprising and beautiful relationships. Don’t follow the “rule” that says you need to only date someone from within your community, someone from the same background, who has a specific profession, is within a specific age range or looks a certain way.
Make the Most of Each Date
Here are some shidduch dating tips to keep you engaged on any date:
- Stay Present and Mindful: Focus on the moment and the person you are with rather than worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. This helps in creating a genuine connection.
- Be Open to Learning: Every person you meet has a unique story and perspective. Use the date as an opportunity to learn something new, whether it’s about their life experiences, interests, or views.
- Embrace the Experience: Whether the date is perfect or not, it’s all part of the journey. Enjoy the process of meeting new people and trying new things.
- Find Common Interests: Discover shared passions or hobbies. This can lead to more enjoyable and engaging conversations.
- Choose Enjoyable Activities: Select date activities that you both enjoy. This can range from a simple coffee meet-up to a shared hobby or interest, creating a relaxed and enjoyable atmosphere.
- Leave Room for Spontaneity: While having a plan is good, being open to spontaneous moments can lead to unexpected fun and memorable experiences.
- Stay Positive: Approach each date with a positive attitude. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s an experience that can lead to personal growth and self-discovery.
- Set Realistic Expectations: Not every date will lead to a relationship, and that’s okay. Enjoy getting to know someone new without the pressure of where it might lead.
Handle Shidduch Rejection with Grace
Here are some shidduch dating tips for when the date doesn’t go as you’d hoped:
- Accept Your Feelings: Feeling upset or disappointed is normal after a shidduch rejection. Acknowledge your feelings without judging yourself.
- Don’t Take It Personally: Rejection often has more to do with the other person’s preferences and issues than with you.
- Learn From the Experience: Reflect on the date and see if you can learn anything from it. Maybe there’s something you can improve, or it’s simply a matter of not being the right match.
- Stay Positive: Focus on the positive aspects of your life and the dating experience. Remember that rejection is a normal part of the dating process.
- Reach Out to Friends and Family: Share your feelings with people you trust. Their support can be comforting.
- Keep Things in Perspective: One shidduch rejection does not reflect your worth as a person or your future dating potential.
- Take a Break If Needed: If dating is causing more stress than enjoyment, it’s okay to take a break and focus on other areas of your life.
- Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that boost your mood and self-esteem. This could be exercise, a hobby, or just some relaxing downtime.
- Stay Open to New Connections: Don’t let one rejection close you off from meeting new people. Each new person you meet is a new opportunity.
- Seek Professional Help if Necessary: If rejection severely impacts your emotional well-being, consider talking to a dating or relationship coach or therapist.
Rejection is a part of life, not a measure of your worth. Each experience is an opportunity to grow and learn more about yourself.
Rethink Dating Norms
There are so many unspoken rules within the shidduch dating system. Just like each person is different, so too, no two dating situations are the same. People should decide what works for them and who they are currently dating. Never let others dictate their shidduch dating advice to you on how you should date.
Here are a few such rules:
Collaborative Date Planning
It is often accepted and expected that the guy plans the date, but often, the girl knows the area better. When both people help plan dates, it makes dating more fun. By planning together, you can have more exciting dates that suit both of you. Allowing both individuals to express their preferences and interests leads to more engaging and personalized dates.
Address Travel Logistics
When deciding who should travel to whom for dates, thinking practically and being understanding are essential. Usually, the guy travels to the girl, but sometimes, it might make more sense for her to travel to him. Talk about for whom it is easiest and how much effort it takes. Being open and flexible about travel can help avoid confusion and ensure both people are comfortable.
Duration of Dates
Too often, singles are told exactly how long each date should be. The length of a date should not be a measure of its success. Instead, the focus should be on the natural flow of conversation and the comfort level between both parties. The goal of dating is to see whether you enjoy each other’s company and have similar values. Do not focus on the clock, but rather on making an enjoyable experience for your date. Sometimes shorter dates are actually more beneficial to the overall dating process.
Exchange Contact Information
Sharing personal contact information such as phone numbers is a significant step in shidduch dating. I believe this helps the relationship progress towards a more emotional connection, but it should not be done at a specific date number, but rather when both feel ready.
Timing for Meeting the Parents
Deciding when to introduce each other to your families is a significant milestone in any relationship and is a personal decision. This should be considered when both individuals feel comfortable and ready. It’s a signal that the relationship is progressing and gaining seriousness.
Stop Counting Dates
In many circles, there might be a customary number of dates before considering engagement; however, the decision to get engaged should be based entirely on individual readiness. Each person should feel completely prepared and confident in their decision to commit, irrespective of the number of dates they have been on. It’s essential to prioritize personal readiness and comfort over adhering to rules about a set number of dates.
Shidduch Dating Advice to Keep in Mind for a Successful Experience
- Dress Well: Wearing the right clothes for a date is important. It shows that you have put thought into the meeting and want to make a good impression.
- Arrive on Time: Being punctual shows respect for a date. It shows that you value the other person’s time and are serious about the meeting.
- Ask Meaningful Questions: Engaging your date with thoughtful Shidduch date questions creates a deeper understanding of the other person and a more meaningful connection.
- Be Friendly and Interested: Listen well when the other person is speaking. Show you’re interested in what your date says and feels. This helps you connect and shows you value them.
- Let Your Matchmaker Know: After your date, by the following day, tell the shadchan how it went. This helps them understand what you like and how your date was.
What Not to Say On a Shidduch Date
- Past Relationships: Don’t criticize your exes or discuss past relationship failures.
- Financials: Steer clear of detailed financial discussions, such as income or debts, early on. This can be spoken about when more serious.
- Self-Focused Conversation: Balance talking about yourself with asking questions to learn about your date.
- Negative Comments: Refrain from speaking negatively about others, which can come across as judgmental and insensitive.
- Inappropriate Jokes: Be cautious with humor until you understand what your date finds funny or offensive.
What Not to Do on a Shidduch Date
- Overshare too quickly: Gradually building trust is vital. Sharing too much personal information too soon can be overwhelming.
- Criticize: Maintaining a positive and respectful conversation is essential. Avoid negative comments or criticism.
- Discuss Past Relationships: Focusing on past relationships can detract from the present connection. Concentrate on getting to know each other in the here and now.
- Rush the Process: Allowing the relationship to develop naturally ensures a solid foundation is built.
- Be Distracted: Giving your full attention to your date shows interest and respect.
- Neglect Gut Feelings: Trusting your instincts is important in assessing compatibility and comfort levels.
- Forget Manners: Many people forget basic courtesy and politeness when they are dating. Please and thank you go a long way.
- Ignore Red Flags: Paying attention to and addressing red flags and concerns early on is important for the health and success of a relationship.
Think About How to Propose
When you propose, it should be memorable. Proposals became a photo op, and people lost sight of the moment’s importance. Make the proposal about your unique relationship and hopes together. It is a personal and significant moment. Even though some people like big proposals with lots of photos, it’s okay to do what feels right for you and honors your relationship.
Shidduch Advice for the Taking
Shidduch dating is all about learning and growing as you meet new people. It’s good to keep an open mind and be patient. Each step you take should be with a positive attitude. This guide is meant to help you find a deep and lasting connection with someone who shares your values and respects you. If you find you need some help or want to be clearer about your shidduch dating journey, you can always reach out to an experienced dating coach like Miriam Zeitlin.
