In the complex world of Shidduch dating, where things often don’t seem to match up and outcomes are hard to predict, having a shidduch dating coach has become more and more important. But what is a dating coach, and how do you decide if you should get one? Miriam Zeitlin answers these questions and more and utilizes her coaching experience to delve into the essence of dating coaching, its benefits, and its undeniable value.
What is a Dating Coach?
A dating coach is a professional dedicated to helping individuals find success in their dating life, improving their dating skills, or overcoming personal obstacles that hinder their ability to connect with others. Looking for your match can be like trying to find your way through a complicated maze without any help. This is where a shidduch dating coach comes into play, serving as a guide, mentor, and strategist in the realm of shidduch dating. By offering personalized advice, actionable strategies, and support, dating coaches aim to transform the dating experience from daunting to empowering.
Do I Need a Dating Coach? How to Know?
The thought of needing a dating coach may not cross everyone’s mind, but there are telltale signs that it might be time to seek professional guidance. If you find yourself repeatedly facing the same challenges in your dating life, such as attracting the wrong types of dates, struggling with communication, or battling low self-esteem, a dating coach could offer the breakthrough you need. Additionally, if you simply want to improve your dating skills and confidence, consulting with a dating coach could be a game-changing decision.
How a Dating Coach Can Help
There is a joke about a yeshiva boy who is about to go on his first shidduch date and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his teacher for advice. The teacher replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”
The yeshiva boy picks up his date, and they go to a fancy hotel lounge. He orders some water for her and a coke for himself. Drinks in hand, they stare at each other for a long time as the boy’s nervousness builds. He remembers his teacher’s advice and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: “Do you like potato pancakes?”
She says “No,” and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his teacher’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?”
Again, the girl says, “No,” and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his teacher’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”
This may be a joke, but there is much truth behind the humor.
Many young men and women, whether just beginning their shidduch journey or dating for years, have a hard time in the complex world of shidduchim. This can be the case for many reasons, from lacking proper communication skills to finding it difficult to build emotional connections and holding self-esteem issues. For many singles, working with a competent dating coach can mean the difference between dating for years with no direction and finding clarity, confidence and success in dating.
What Do Dating Coaches Do?
Dating coaches wear many hats in their mission to assist their clients. They start by understanding your unique situation, goals, and challenges. From there, they work with you to develop a tailored action plan that may include enhancing your self-confidence, improving your communication skills, and identifying patterns that may be keeping you from finding a successful relationship. Dating coaches also offer practical advice on navigating first dates and building emotional connections. They are part confidante, part strategist, and part motivator, providing an approach to dating that addresses both the emotional and practical aspects of the journey.
How Do Dating Coaches Help?
Here is a deeper look at what you can gain from working with a shidduch dating coach.
1. Get an Objective Perspective
I put this as number one because I know many of you think, “How do dating coaches work differently? I have a Rebbe/mentor, parents, siblings, a shadchan, and friends that I can speak with. That may be true, but:
- A Rebbe/mentor is vital to have, as it says in Pirkei Avos עשה לך רב. A Rebbe can answer halacha or hashkafa questions and give good advice, but they may not have the time to go in-depth into every detail of your dating life. You may want to talk to someone with the time and the knowledge to guide you toward clarity.
- Parents love you and genuinely want the best for you, but they may be too emotionally involved to remain objective. They may project their desires onto you. You hopefully have a great relationship with your parents, yet it is often easier to open up to someone you don’t have such a close connection with.
- Siblings. They are your siblings. Need I say more?
- The shadchan is nogea b’davar. Sure, they want you to be happy and make the right decision, but they are invested in the outcome. It would be difficult for them to remain objective.
- Friends. וקנה לך חבר – Acquire some friends. You need support to help you get through the challenges of shidduchim. Sometimes though, friends don’t give the best advice. They will share their feelings about a specific person or issue, which can cloud your judgment. You are not your friend. What works or doesn’t work for them may differ for you. So, keep your friends, but also have a dating coach who will give you proper guidance.
- The Coach remains objective and has the time, knowledge, and expertise to help you reach your relationship goals. Well-meaning family and friends can’t replace professional dating advice.
2. Gain Invaluable Insight About Yourself
Before you begin dating, knowing who you are at your deepest level and what your goals and values are is essential. Go beyond “I’m looking for a kind person with good middos” and learn about your unique needs. Working with a dating coach can help you better understand yourself so you are not dating blindly but with purpose and direction.
3. More Productive Dating
Do you keep going for the same type of person and then find yourself surprised when it doesn’t work out? Being stuck in a cycle of dates that seem to go nowhere can be extremely draining. Dating patterns that drive singles to repeatedly choose the same type of person, even though it hasn’t worked for them, are often subconscious. We are comfortable with the familiar even though it may not be the best thing for us. A dating coach can help you identify, understand, and remove these internal blocks.
4. Learn Skills to Help with Dating Anxiety
Having some jitters before a date is normal, but you shouldn’t experience excessive fears before, during, or after a date. A dating coach will help you figure out what is causing the anxiety and teach you skills to make dating less frightening.
5. Boost Confidence and Self-Esteem
Maybe I should have put this one first; it is that important. To have a healthy relationship, you need first to have self-love. Some people struggle with this. They don’t realize how special they are and that they are worthy of love. A dating coach can help boost your self-esteem so you feel more confident on dates.
6. Learn Essential Communication Skills
It is not just what you say but how you say it. 80% of communication is non-verbal. Body language, eye contact, tone of voice, and conversation skills are all part of communicating. Learn how to communicate effectively.
7. Gain Clarity
This is a big one. How often do you go on dates and come home confused? Not sure how you feel and whether you want to continue or break things off. A good dating coach will not tell you what to do but rather guide you to the answers you already have. You will gain the confidence to trust your intuition.
8. Motivation
It is easy to feel burnt out or like giving up when you have been dating for years and feel like you’re getting nowhere. Having a dating coach is like having your own personal cheerleader. You will get the support and motivation to keep going. You can vent and share your frustrations in a safe and non-judgmental space.
Are Dating Coaches Worth It?
You may think it all sounds great, but is a dating coach worth the money?
Given the complexities of shidduch dating, the value of a dating coach cannot be overstated. The investment in professional guidance can lead to profound personal growth, more meaningful connections, and, ultimately, the discovery of a fulfilling relationship.
A dating coach can help you find your soul mate, but even when they cant, the benefits extend beyond just finding your match; they include improved self-awareness, communication skills, and confidence.
In this light, enlisting the support of a dating coach should not be viewed as an expense but as an investment in oneself and one’s future happiness. Just as the yeshiva boy in the joke could have benefited from a dating coach’s wisdom, so too can individuals seeking to navigate the shidduch world with greater ease and success.
How to Find a Dating Coach
You now know what a dating coach it. If any of this resonates with you, and you would like to see how coaching can benefit you, contact Miriam Zeitlin and experience the difference between navigating the shidduch journey alone and having someone to walk alongside you.
