Welcome back to our weekly Dating Dilemmas series! First off, a round of applause to all you brilliant “dating coaches” out there đ. You did a fantastic job analyzing last weekâs scenario and sharing your insights. Itâs always amazing to see such a variety of thoughtful responses!
Hereâs how the results broke down:
- Option A: 11%
- Option B: 50%
- Option C: 25%
- Option D: 13%
Option B seemed to be the fan favoriteâdirect and honest communication for the win! But you all brought some great ideas to the table. I loved hearing your perspectivesâespecially the creative twists on how to approach the situation. Let me share a few of the comments:
“Hands down B) The Direct Approach: Start each date with honesty – ‘I should tell you that I get pretty nervous on first dates, so if I seem quiet at first, that’s why. I’m actually much more outgoing once I’m comfortable.’ This sets the expectation and often gets others to open up about their own nerves.”
“I totally believe in honesty, being real, and being open. I’ve tried it on dates, and it works wonders! I have told boys that I’m nervous…it breaks the ice and makes everyone feel better, and then he’ll know that he’s not seeing the whole you. Also, when boys have been honest with me, it makes me respect them, ’cause at the end of the day the most important thing in a marriage is open communication. That’s my 2 cents!”
“I would choose option B, but maybe with a twist. If she thinks it might be uncomfortable to bring it up on the date itself, maybe she can ask the shadchan to give the guy a head’s up before the date, so that way he knows and is more open to continuing with her.”
“I think option D can be a good idea, but in my opinion, option B is even a better choiceâjust they gotta know not to over talk about being nervous, which shouldnât be too hard.”
“Option C could work too! Activities can almost be a distraction from worrying about what sheâs saying and ease nerves. Option B can even be thrown in with a saying like, ‘Iâm glad we decided to do an activity, first dates can be nerve-wracking for me.’ Excited to see the results!”
My Professional Advice:
I actually think all the options have merit, but A and B would be my top choices.
Option A suggests taking two months off, which might not be realistic or feasible for many, but the idea of doing something like an improv class is gold. Learning to think on your feet and getting comfortable in social settings can be a game-changer for overcoming shyness or social anxiety. I know itâs not such a popular idea in our communityâbut it should be. (Who would sign up if I started one? đ)
Option B is straightforward and an excellent approach. It always helps to be honest about your nerves. Most people find it refreshing, and it often opens the door for deeper, more authentic connections.
Now letâs dive into this weekâs new scenario!
THE SITUATION:
Meet Baila. Sheâs just starting to date and is excited about this new stage of life. But thereâs one problem: she and her parents are on completely different pages about how to navigate the shidduch process.
Baila prefers to keep things simpleâcheck a few references, gather basic information, and trust her instincts. Her parents? Letâs just say if the FBI ever needed help running background checks, theyâd be the first ones called.
She wants to take things slow, wait for suggestions from people who know her well, and ease into the process. Her parents, however, believe she should meet with every shadchan under the sun, attend every singles event within a 500-mile radius, and basically turn dating into a full-time job.
Caught between their enthusiasm and her own preferences, Baila is feeling stuck. She wants to feel in control of her own journey, but she also doesnât want to hurt her parents or dismiss their advice entirely.
The Question Keeping Baila Up at Night:
How can she maintain her independence while still respecting her parents?
What Should Baila Do?
A) The Boundary Setter: Have an honest conversation with her parents, letting them know she appreciates their involvement but needs to set boundaries. She can tell them her preferences clearlyâminimal checking, no professional shadchanim yet, and a slower paceâand ask them to support her in the way she needs.
B) The Diplomatic Approach: Agree to a compromise. She can meet with a few shadchanim and attend an occasional event, while they ease up on the intensive background checks and constant suggestions. A little give-and-take might help everyone feel heard and respected.
C) The Independent Operator: Take the reins entirely. Baila can express gratitude for her parentsâ concern but politely explain that this is her journey, and she needs to navigate it in a way that feels authentic to herâeven if that means handling suggestions and decisions on her own.
D) The Stand-In Solution: Baila suggests that since her parents are so eager, they should go all-in and handle everythingâmeet the shadchanim, attend the events, and even go on the dates as her representatives. After all, if they know her so well, they can probably make a great impression on her behalf!
Each of these approaches comes with its own implications:
Option A sets clear boundaries, but her parents might remind her that âparents know bestâ (and theyâll probably have a spreadsheet to prove it).
Option B offers a middle ground but risks Baila feeling like sheâs still giving in too much.
Option C allows Baila to take full control, but the fallout could include some world-class guilt trips.
Option D flips the scriptâItâs the ultimate âbe careful what you wish forâ strategyâBailaâs parents might quickly realize that meeting shadchanim, attending events, and going on dates isnât as glamorous as it sounds.
Iâm excited to hear all the brilliant advice all you dating experts will have for this weekâs dilemma!
Missed last week dating dilemma? Click here to read it.
Got your own dating dilemma? Reach out to me! Iâll do my best to guide you to clarityâand try not to take your parentsâ side. đ If youâre the parent who needs guidance… Iâm here for you too!