Last week, one of my clients came to me all frustrated. “I went out with three guys recently, but all of them said no after the third date,” she said. “I don’t get it. What am I doing wrong?”
So we did some detective work. Turns out, she was basically turning into a one-woman consulting firm every time her dates mentioned something challenging- work stress, family drama, whatever, she’d immediately launch into problem-solving mode.
“Have you tried this?”
“You should really…”
“My brother dealt with something similar, and what worked for him was…”
She thought she was being helpful. Her dates felt otherwise.
The moment you start giving unsolicited advice on a date, you stop being someone’s potential life partner and become their unpaid life coach. And trust me, nobody goes on dates hoping to find a consultant.
The Advice Trap
The urge to give advice feels so natural. Someone mentions a problem, your brain immediately starts generating solutions. It’s like having a mental PowerPoint presentation ready to go at all times. There’s something almost automatic about giving advice. Someone tells us a problem, and boom—we’re in solution mode.
So yes, the irony isn’t lost on me: this is advice… about not giving advice.
But in my defense, this kind of advice might just save your dating life and your relationships in general. Because here’s the truth: most people don’t want your solutions. They want your presence.
Your brilliant insights are relationship killers.
The second you shift into advice mode, you’re basically announcing, “I know better than you about your own life.” Which is… not exactly endearing.
When someone shares something personal, they want to be heard and understood. Not feel like a problem to be solved.
Here’s a radical idea: What if you just… didn’t try to fix everything?
I know, I know. Revolutionary stuff.
But seriously, when you resist the urge to solve their problems, they keep talking. They share more. They actually open up instead of shutting down.
Turns out, people feel great when you’re genuinely interested in their thoughts and feelings without immediately trying to reorganize their entire existence.
Dating’s Biggest Mistake
Not giving advice is harder than it sounds. Your brain will be screaming solutions at you. Fight it.
When they say: “My boss is driving me crazy…”
Don’t say: “Have you tried talking to HR?”
Try: “Ugh, that’s the worst. What did they do now?”
When they mention: “I’m terrible at saving money…”
Don’t say: “You need to make a budget.”
Try: “Saving money is so hard.”
When they share: “My family is so complicated…”
Don’t say: “You should set boundaries.”
Try: “Families, right? What kind of complicated are we talking?”
The formula is simple:
Questions, not solutions.
Curiosity, not consultation.
Stop Trying to be Helpful
Sometimes the urge to give advice will be overwhelming. They’ll mention something, and you’ll have THE PERFECT solution. Your mouth will literally itch to share your wisdom.
Here’s what you do: Pause. Take a sip of your drink and ask yourself, “Did they actually ask for my advice, or are they just telling me about their life?”
News flash: They’re usually just telling you about their life.
Most people don’t need you to solve their problems. They need you to care about them enough to listen without immediately jumping into fix-it mode. Everyone’s got opinions. Being someone who doesn’t immediately share theirs makes you memorable.
When you don’t rush to fix everything, you’re saying, “I’m interested in understanding you, not changing you.” That’s incredibly rare and surprisingly appealing. People will be more relaxed around you instead of bracing for the next unsolicited life lesson.
Put it into Practice
Here’s a fun challenge for your next date:
See how long you can survive without giving a single piece of advice. I’m talking zero “you shoulds,” no “have you trieds,” and definitely no “what you need to do is” moments.
It’s harder than you think. You’ll probably fail spectacularly the first few times. Your mouth will open, wisdom will try to pour out, and you’ll have to physically bite your tongue.
But here’s what happens when you actually pull it off: The conversation flows like you’re both humans instead of a consultant meeting with a client. They’ll share things they normally wouldn’t. You’ll discover sides of them that advice-mode completely blocks.
Try it. Your dates will thank you. Well, they won’t actually thank you because they won’t even realize what you’re NOT doing. But trust me, they’ll feel the difference.
