Let’s face it – shidduch dating is already a rollercoaster ride, even when you’re in perfect health. Throw in a chronic illness, and suddenly, you’ve got a whole theme park of challenges to navigate! For those dealing with chronic conditions like diabetes, Crohn’s, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, fibromyalgia, asthma, vision or hearing impairment, POTS, MS, CF, or any of the other fun acronyms the medical world has bestowed upon you, the path to finding that special someone can feel like trying to find a diamond in a haystack—blindfolded. Challenging, but not impossible!
Living with a chronic illness means managing symptoms, medications, and maybe even a few doctor’s appointments in between dates. The unpredictability can be a bit like trying to guess the stock market’s next move—when you think you have it figured out, it takes an unexpected turn! But here’s the deal: having a chronic health condition doesn’t make you any less eligible for a loving, fulfilling relationship, and doesn’t bring down anyone’s shalom bayis once married. It just means you have an extra layer of awesomeness.
The Impact on Dating
Imagine getting ready for a Shidduch date only to be sidelined by a flare-up, low blood sugar, or an unexpected bout of fatigue. Chronic illnesses can sometimes play the role of the unwanted third wheel. It can be disheartening, and you might wonder if you’ll ever find someone who understands and accepts you—flare-ups and all. But let’s flip the script. These challenges can also highlight your strength, patience, and ability to handle life’s curveballs. And trust me, the right person will see these qualities as the treasures they are.
How does chronic illness impact dating, you ask? Here are a few ways:
- Social Stigma: Sometimes, it feels like you’re wearing an invisible “Handle with Care” sticker.
- Explaining Your Condition: Navigating the conversation without sounding like a medical textbook.
- Dealing with Fatigue: Trying to be your most charming self while battling exhaustion.
- The Great Reveal: Deciding when and how to disclose your condition can feel like planning a surprise party… for yourself.
- Scheduling Dates: Balancing outings around doctor appointments can be an extreme sport, especially when your energy levels are unpredictable.
- Medication Management: Nothing says romance like setting an alarm for your meds in the middle of a date, right?
- Dietary Dilemmas: Navigating restaurant menus like complex treasure maps.
- Reactions: Worrying about how potential matches will react to your illness.
But here’s the thing – these challenges don’t define you. They’re just part of your story. Your illness may be a part of you, but it’s not all of you. You are a superhero: managing a chronic illness and dating? That’s beyond awesome. You rock!
You’re Not a Diagnosis, You’re a Catch!
Reframe your thinking:
- Your Illness is Your Superpower: It’s taught you resilience, empathy, and probably some killer time-management skills.
- The Right Person Will See Your Strength: Your future spouse will admire your courage and determination.
- Built-in Compatibility Test: Anyone who can’t handle your condition isn’t the right match anyway. It’s like a dating shortcut!
The Power of Openness: Sharing Your True Self
Let me share a little secret about myself. I have type 1 diabetes, and for the longest time, I tried to hide it like my secret stash of emergency chocolate. I’d discreetly check my blood sugar, hoping no one would notice the little device on my upper arm. But then, one day, someone asked me about the small apparatus protruding from my sleeve. (Spoiler alert: It wasn’t a government tracking device.) It’s my CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitor). Instead of deflecting, I decided to explain. And you know what? It felt liberating. It was like finally letting out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
So, as a Shidduch dating coach, and diabetic, here’s my advice:
Don’t hide it. Your chronic illness is part of you, like your eye color or freckles. Speak about it openly, educate others, and who knows? You might just inspire someone else to do the same. The right person will appreciate all of you – inhaler, CGM, cochlear implant, medication schedule, dietary restrictions, and all. They’ll see these things not as obstacles but as testaments to your strength and resilience.
Community Support: Easing the Journey
Our community has the power to make this journey a little easier. Here’s how we can step up and support these courageous daters:
But first, here’s a revolutionary idea: treat daters with chronic illnesses like—wait for it—regular people! I know, mind-blowing, right? Look beyond the diagnosis. See the person, not the diagnosis.
- Avoid Pity Parties: Show empathy and offer understanding and compassion rather than pity. Empathy helps build connections and support.
- Respect Privacy: Allow individuals to share their health details on their terms.
- Challenge Assumptions: Don’t assume someone with a chronic illness can’t marry and lead a loving and fulfilling life. Their capabilities and strengths might surprise you.
- Educate Yourself: If you’re setting up a shidduch, take the time to learn about the person’s condition. It shows you care!
- Focus on Abilities, Not Limitations: Everyone has so much to offer. Look at what they can do, not what they can’t.
- Offer Support, Not Unsolicited Advice: Avoid sharing miracle cures unless asked for. (We’ve heard about your aunt’s cousin’s neighbor’s miracle cure. Thanks, but no thanks)
For the Daters: Keep Your Spirit Up
- Embrace Your Uniqueness: Your chronic illness is another thing that makes you – you.
- Find Humor in the Situation: Laughter is the best medicine (except for actual medicine, of course).
- Connect with Others Who Get It: Misery loves company, but so does inspiration!
- Focus on your strengths and capabilities: No explanation is needed.
In the grand shidduch dating game, you’re not just a contestant—you’re the dazzling grand prize! So, embrace your chronic fabulousness with a wink and a smile, and confidently get out there. Your bashert is waiting for the spark that only you can ignite.
The key to dating with a chronic illness is to let your true self shine brighter than any diagnosis. Don’t let it define you.
Keep your sense of humor on speed dial. After all, laughter is the best medicine, especially in the world of shidduchim.
And who knows? Your perfect match might just be the one who can laugh right along with you.
Need Support?
As a Shidduch dating coach and a chronic condition holder, Miriam Zeitlin knows well the many general and specific struggles in Shidduchim. If you’re seeking support in your dating journey, contact Miriam to hear how she can best help you.
