If you’ve been shidduch dating for what feels like forever, you know that sometimes the only way to stay sane is to find the humor in it all. When you’ve been through enough dates to write a dissertation on hotel lobby dynamics, and you’re still showing up with hope and a smile, you deserve some recognition.
The dating process can be exhausting, overwhelming, and downright bizarre at times. But if you don’t laugh about it, you might just lose your mind. So, for all of you who’ve been in the trenches long enough to need some comic relief – this one’s for you:
The Moments You’ll Relate To…
Shidduch profiles that could win literary awards.
You know the ones – where a guy writes he is a “world traveler” when that just means he went to Miami twice, and “athletic” refers to that one time he walked up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. After reading his profile, you can’t help but think, “This guy’s profile probably didn’t get him any dates, but it definitely won a Nobel Prize for fiction.”
More fluffed-up shidduch profiles.
You learn to be skeptical when screening these profiles. One guy’s shidduch resume said he’s tall, charismatic, and successful. His friend told him “This is the biggest joke I’ve ever seen!” “Good point,” he replied. “I should add something about my great sense of humor.” Apparently, everyone took the same creative writing class.
The outfit crisis.
You’ve worn your “good date outfit” so many times that the hotel lobby staff – the one you have been to 4 times this month, because all the guys got the same memo on where to go on dates – probably think it’s your uniform. And you’re running out of ways to style the same three “appropriate but not trying too hard” pieces.
Trying to decode the photo strategy.
Some people post pictures from their cousin’s wedding where they’re barely visible in the background. Others post selfies that look like driver’s license photos. You find yourself wondering, “Why would someone put such an unflattering picture on their dating profile?” Then it hits you – they must be hoping opposites attract!
The height shock.
When you both clearly embellished your height on your resumes, and the first meeting reveals the truth. He said he is 5’8″, you said 5’2″, but when you meet, you both seem to have shrunk since taking those measurements. You’re both rounding up… aggressively.
Your social calendar.
When people ask about your social life, you just laugh: “Lately my social life sounds like a healthy dessert—dates with nuts.”
The name mixup.
Nothing kills the mood quite like when they call you by someone else’s name. “So Sarah, what do you think about…” when your name is Rochel. You just sit there wondering if you should correct them or pretend you didn’t notice. Either way, you now know exactly who their last date was.
When the shadchan’s description doesn’t match reality.
“He has a great personality” = prepare for an evening of awkward silence. “She’s very interesting” = you’re about to learn more about her yoga classes than you ever wanted to know. “They’re really growing into themselves” = still figuring out basic life skills.
The disaster dates that somehow get worse.
You’ve all had that one where everything that could go wrong did go wrong. The only excitement was completely unintentional. Sparks flew on the date…but it was when the muffler fell off his car in the parking lot. At least it gave you something to talk about for the remaining awkward hour.
The awkward silence.
You know that moment when the conversation just dies, and you both sit there pretending the hotel lobby piano music is absolutely fascinating? You start counting ceiling tiles while he studies his coffee cup like it holds the secrets of the universe. The silence goes on so long that even the lobby staff start giving you concerned looks.
The one-upper.
Everything you say, they have a bigger, better, more dramatic version of. You mention you went to a nice restaurant last week? They went to an even fancier place the day before. You say you’re planning a vacation to Florida? They just got back from a two-week trip to Europe. You mention you got a promotion? They just got offered a better position at three different companies. You’re starting to feel like every conversation is a competition you didn’t know you entered.
The rehearsed conversation.
His responses sound so perfectly crafted and delivered that you start wondering if he practiced this entire conversation in the mirror. Every answer flows too smoothly, like he’s reciting lines from a play called “How to Impress Your Future Wife.”
The mother mention counter.
Some guys bring up their mother so often you start wondering if she’s planning to join you for the second date. “My mother says,” “My mother thinks,” “My mother makes the best…” At some point you realize you know more about his mother’s opinions than his own.
The “good listener” trap.
He nods along to everything you say, seems really attentive, and you think maybe this could work. Then you realize ‘good listener’ is just code for ‘sat there quietly while I talked for two hours straight.’ You start wondering if he’s actually processing anything you’re saying or just practicing his nodding technique.
The interviewer.
They ask you questions like you’re applying for a corporate position. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” “What are your strengths and weaknesses?” “What would your roommates say about your living habits?” You half expect them to pull out a clipboard and start taking notes.
The oversharer.
Within the first hour, you know about their family drama, their car trouble from last month, their boss’s annoying habits, and why they switched therapists three times, and you’re sitting there thinking, “I asked how your summer is going, not for your entire autobiography.”
The compatibility reality check.
Sometimes you meet someone and within five minutes you realize you’re operating on completely different intellectual levels. He’s discussing complex theories while you’re still trying to follow his basic point. You find yourself thinking, “I need to Google half the words he uses just to nod along appropriately.” The conversation never quite recovers from that realization.
The compliment backfire.
They think they’re being nice but somehow manage to insult you in the process: “You’re much prettier than your picture suggested you’d be!” Thanks? Or “You seem way more normal than I expected.” Gee, wonderful. These are the compliments that make you question everything.
When your standards have gotten more… realistic.
Remember when you had that whole list of requirements? Yeah, that was cute. Now you’re sitting there thinking, “My dating life has come down to choosing between bad breath and bad credit.” Nothing like experience to clarify your non-negotiables.
When rejection gets completely misinterpreted.
You think you’re being crystal clear about your level of interest (or lack thereof), but somehow the message gets completely twisted. You give a definitive no, and he walks away telling his friends, “She definitely sees a future with me! She said I was the last guy she’d want to see at her door!” Exactly!
It’s easier when you both agree you’re not meant for each other.
Sometimes you both just know it’s not happening, and you both end up calling the shadchan with the exact same feedback: “We both concluded that we’re not a good couple and should break up—it was a unanimous split decision!” At least there’s no drama.
The goodbye confusion.
That supremely awkward moment when the date is clearly over but neither of you knows how to end it appropriately. Do you say “thanks for a nice time” even if it wasn’t? You both end up standing there saying “so…” about fifteen times before he finally offers to walk you to the door.
The shadchan follow-up call.
Twenty minutes after your date ends, your phone rings. It’s the shadchan wanting to know “how it went” before you’ve even processed whether you liked their laugh or found it annoying. Meanwhile, she’s probably calling him too, and you both feel pressured to commit to another date when you can’t even remember what you talked about for the last hour.
The post-date family debriefing.
Your mother is more invested in analyzing your date than you are. She’s taking notes, asking follow-up questions, and probably creating a spreadsheet. Meanwhile, you just want to eat leftover pizza and forget about the whole thing.
If you’ve experienced most of these scenarios, congratulations – you’ve officially earned your PhD in shidduch dating. At this point, you probably deserve a rewards program for frequent daters.
The truth is, it’s important to laugh about this process because the alternative is becoming that person who dramatically declares they’re “taking a break from dating” every other month.
Keep your sense of humor, keep showing up, and remember – somewhere out there, your future spouse is probably also googling “how to end a bad date politely.”
