Miriam Zeitlin describes the fundamental human need for connection

From Cradle to Grave: The Lifelong Need for Connection

It drives me crazy when clients come to me feeling down because they think there’s something wrong with them for having emotional needs. Let’s set the record straight: having emotional needs isn’t a flaw—it’s part of being human. And just because your friends, family members, or spouse can’t or won’t meet those needs, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. We all have these needs, and they are crucial for our well-being.

Calling a person needy for wanting connection is like calling a flower needy for wanting sunlight. Both are just natural ways to thrive. This captures the essence of our fundamental need for emotional connection.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Imagine a pyramid with different levels representing what we need to thrive and live our best lives. At the bottom, you’ve got basic things like food and shelter—stuff we need just to survive. Once those are covered, the next level up is safety, and then comes something super important: love and belonging. According to psychologist Abraham Maslow, once we’re physically comfortable and safe, our next priority is feeling loved and belonging. This shows how crucial connection is—it’s a fundamental need, not a luxury.

Maslow’s theory suggests that emotional needs for love, affection, and belonging are crucial for developing self-esteem (the next level in the pyramid) and achieving self-actualization—the stage where an individual reaches their full potential. This progression clearly illustrates that our need for connection is not about being needy; it’s about being human.

Historical Insights: The Tragic Consequences of Emotional Starvation

The significance of emotional connection is not only a modern psychological concept but also a historical observation. In the 18th century, Bishop Martínez Compañón reported to his superiors in Rome about the alarmingly high mortality rates among infants in foundling homes. He attributed these deaths to a lack of affection rather than physical necessities.

And these observations were echoed in the 1930s studies of orphanages. Children, despite being well-fed and clothed, suffered from what Dr. David Levy later termed “emotional starvation.” These children had their basic physiological needs met. Yet, the absence of a mother’s love and emotional nurture led to severe consequences, highlighting the critical role of emotional nourishment.

Modern Understanding: Attachment from Cradle to Grave

John Bowlby, a prominent figure in psychology, argued that humans have attachment needs that span from “the cradle to the grave.” This perspective aligns with the understanding that our relationships and emotional bonds are not just supplementary. They are as crucial as air and water. Bowlby’s attachment theory explains that a secure emotional bond provides a foundation for individuals to explore the world and develop a sense of security and confidence.

Emotional needs begin to manifest from infancy, where the initial bond with a primary caregiver influences our approach to relationships throughout life. This foundational connection teaches us that having emotional needs is a normal part of human development. As we grow, these needs are expressed through our many relationships. Each relationship serves as an opportunity to fulfill these emotional needs, which include trust, understanding, and companionship. Recognizing and accepting these needs as adults allows us to engage more meaningfully and authentically with those around us.

Embracing Connection: Why No One Should Apologize for Their Needs

So, why do we sometimes dismiss this basic human need by calling people ‘needy’? It’s as crucial as needing water or food! Understanding the importance of connection should empower us to seek and nurture relationships without guilt. The notion that desiring connection is being “needy” is a gross misunderstanding of our basic human constitution. Just as a flower naturally tilts towards the sunlight, humans are biologically and psychologically inclined to seek connections that affirm life and foster growth.

The Power of Being There for Each Other

This idea that we need to feel connected and loved isn’t just historical. We all feel it in our everyday lives. The need for emotional connection is real, valid, and critically important. Whether we need a friend to talk to, want to be close to family, or enjoy time with a spouse, these connections make us feel alive and well.

By normalizing and embracing our natural need for connection, we support our well-being and contribute to a more compassionate, understanding, and connected world. Let us remember that no one should ever feel bad or apologize for wanting connection. It is not about being needy; it is about being human.

We should try to be a bit more like sunlight—bringing warmth and growth to each other. Every little act of kindness or connection is like water and sunshine for our souls. Let’s make sure everyone gets their chance to bloom.

There’s No Shame in Needing to be Nurtured

If you’re looking for more connection, or wanting to give a loved one more support, compassion, and understanding, reach out to Miriam Zeitlin. An experienced relationship coach, Miriam can help you express your needs, give fully of yourself to those you love, and feel nurtured from within.

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