Before we talk about how to date, let’s talk about why.
I was ready to start sharing sneak peeks from my upcoming book, Finding Forever: From First Date to Soulmates – starting with dating tips, such as understanding red flags, communication skills, and how to stop overthinking.
But then I paused and asked myself:
Before we talk about how to date… do you even know why you want to get married?
I say that only half-joking.
Because if we’re being real, the idea of marriage can seem a little… strange.
Marriage, in Theory
You take two people from opposite genders, with different upbringings, personalities, and expectations, and ask them to agree on what’s for dinner, how loud is “too loud,” and what temperature the room should be. For decades. Oh, and don’t forget the socks on the floor, the milk left out on the counter…
So why do we do it?
Why keep dating, hoping, trying—when it’s so much easier (and often more peaceful) to just stay solo?
Meet Estee.
Ambitious, intelligent, and self-sufficient. She wasn’t opposed to marriage—it just wasn’t on the top of her to-do list. She dated occasionally (mostly to make her mother happy), but it always felt like something she did in between the real parts of her life.
She had a great job, a full calendar, friends, plans, vacations. But still… something felt quietly off.
She tried to fill it—with more work hours, a yoga membership, then a solo vacation. Eventually, she signed up to volunteer on Thursday nights with Tomchei Shabbos. Not for deep meaning. Just to stay busy.
And then she met Yaakov.
Their first interaction was about a delivery box that didn’t have a label. They barely spoke. But week after week, their conversations grew longer. Warmer. Easier.
Suddenly, Estee found herself looking forward to Thursday nights—not because of the mitzvah, but because of him.
That’s when it hit her:
Despite everything she’d achieved, she had been carrying around a quiet emptiness. A longing she had never fully acknowledged.
What Estee realized, and what so many of us eventually realize, is this:
We are wired for oneness.
That deep desire for companionship isn’t weakness. It’s not a flaw.
It’s spiritual memory.
The Torah teaches that man and woman were originally one being, separated to go seek each other again. Your soul remembers that unity. And it yearns to return to it.
Side note for anyone feeling stuck:
Volunteering like Estee did? Game changer.
No, it’s not a dating hack. It won’t guarantee your bashert shows up with a clipboard and an unmarked box.
But it will get you out of your head, add meaning to your week, and reconnect you with your values. And who knows? It might open up doors you never expected.
That Longing? It’s Not Neediness
That craving for companionship? That’s not neediness. That’s the most human thing about us.
This desire for connection? It’s not random. It’s not just emotional. It’s something much deeper. The Torah teaches that man and woman were originally created as one whole being, and then separated. Ever since, we’ve been wired to search for that missing part.
That longing you feel? It’s a soul-level memory of oneness. Not because you’re lacking, but because you remember what it feels like to be truly joined with another.
You Can Want More—and That’s Okay
Sure, your life might be Instagram-worthy already:
Thriving career, check.
Friend group that shows up, check.
A schedule so full you need color-coding just to keep track, double check.
Somewhere along the way, we were sold this idea that independence is the ultimate goal, and if you crave connection, it must mean you haven’t figured yourself out yet.
That messaging is so wrong!
Yes, dating can be draining. Frustrating. Occasionally absurd.
But when you understand where that desire is coming from, it starts to make more sense and makes all the ups and downs of dating easier to deal with.
You’re doing it because deep down, your soul knows what it’s looking for—even if the rest of you is still figuring it out.
Wanting more doesn’t make your life less.
Because the truth is, you can have a full, meaningful, beautiful life, and still feel a quiet longing for something more. You can love your independence and still want someone to share the little things and the big things with. That doesn’t mean something’s missing in you.
It means something inside you remembers that you were never meant to do this alone.
So what’s the point of all this?
It’s to tell you that you’re not crazy for wanting to get married.
