They say, “Dig the well before you are thirsty.” Or as JFK put it, “The best time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.” Benjamin Franklin reminded us that “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” and warned that “by failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”
The message is clear: The smartest time to prepare for marriage is before you’re in it. And once you are in it, the same rule applies—you prepare today for the marriage you want tomorrow.
That’s why this advice is just as relevant for people still looking for their bashert as it is for those already married.
Last week was my 27th anniversary. I initially thought about writing 27 pieces of advice, but by number 14, I realized I was forcing it. After nearly three decades of marriage and observing countless other couples, I’ve noticed that strong marriages are built on four simple behaviors that successful couples practice consistently.
Here’s what strong couples actually do:
They Focus on the Good
Every marriage exists under a spotlight, but here’s what most couples don’t realize: you’re holding that light. Strong couples understand that where you aim it determines not just what you see, but what grows stronger.
Dale Carnegie captured this with his observation: “Two men looked out from prison bars, one saw the mud, the other saw stars.” Same bars, same view, completely different experience based on focus.
Whatever you look for in marriage, you’ll find more of it. Look for flaws, you’ll develop expert vision for finding them. Your spouse leaves dishes in the sink, and suddenly, you notice every perceived laziness. They’re ten minutes late, and it becomes evidence of chronic inconsideration.
But the same principle works in reverse. When you actively look for good, you start seeing what you previously overlooked. That spouse who was ten minutes late also went to work to support your family, fixed the squeaky door, and made your coffee perfectly.
John Gottman says you should “Focus on what you love about your partner, not what annoys you.” When you shift your spotlight toward your spouse’s strengths, those strengths become more prominent. Wayne Dyer understood this when he said, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” It’s not that happy couples don’t have problems—they’ve trained themselves to see good more clearly than bad.
Zig Ziglar had it right: “Catch your spouse doing something right—and then tell them.” Marriage is fueled less by grand gestures and more by everyday recognition. “Thank you for working so hard.” “I noticed your patience with the kids.” “I appreciate how you listened.” These aren’t throw-away compliments—they’re investments. Appreciation encourages more of what you appreciate.
Barbara De Angelis frames the choice every couple faces perfectly: “If you look for what you want in your spouse, you will find it. If you look for what you don’t want, you’ll find that too.” This doesn’t mean ignoring real problems, but choosing what you focus on.
Walt Whitman’s advice applies beautifully here: “Keep your face always toward the sunshine—and shadows will fall behind you.” It’s about refusing to live in shadows when sunlight is available.
“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it,” Charles R. Swindoll reminds us. Your spouse will disappoint you, just as you’ll disappoint them. But thriving couples choose to illuminate the good more often than they dwell on the difficult.
They Start Fresh Every Day
Every marriage accumulates baggage—the emotional residue of arguments, misunderstandings, and moments you’d both like to forget. Strong couples master the art of leaving them in the past.
Douglas Pagels wrote, “Each new day is a blank page in the diary of your life.” But too often, we scribble yesterday’s argument across today’s page before sunrise. We carry last week’s disagreement into this week’s conversation. It’s like keeping rotten leftovers in your refrigerator—everything starts to smell.
There’s a powerful saying: “Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at another; you are the one who gets burned.” When we drag yesterday’s pain into today’s possibility, we’re not punishing our spouse—we’re poisoning our own peace.
Forgiveness in marriage isn’t about forgetting or pretending it didn’t hurt. William Paul Young makes the distinction clear: “Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat.” It’s choosing peace over punishment, future over past.
This requires seeing each day as a fresh opportunity. Catherine Pulsifer captures this beautifully: “Every day is a chance to begin again. Don’t focus on the failures of yesterday; start today with positive thoughts and expectations.” Practically, this means compartmentalization. When you argue on Tuesday, you deal with it on Tuesday. Talk it through, understand each other’s perspectives, resolve what’s possible, and forgive what’s necessary. Then Wednesday arrives and what happened on Tuesday stays on Tuesday. When you’re constantly looking backward, you miss chances for joy and connection.
Harvey Mackay puts it this way: “Each morning brings new potential, but if you dwell on the misfortunes of the day before, you tend to overlook tremendous opportunities.”
I always loved this quote by Bill Keane: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.” Strong marriages unwrap each day as a genuine gift rather than another page in an ongoing grievance. The best marriages master “the reset”—learning that saying “that was yesterday” isn’t about minimizing pain but refusing to let past pain steal present joy.
They Think Like Teammates
When you stand under the chuppah and become husband and wife, something fundamental shifts. You become teammates. Strong couples embrace this shift completely—your victories and losses stop being yours alone. This is when “me” and “you” transform into “us and we.”
Henry Ford understood this progression: “Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.” Marriage isn’t just finding the right person—it’s two people building something bigger than either could create alone.
Ryunosuke Satoro painted this beautifully: “Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean.” Marriage offers the chance to become something vast and powerful, weathering storms that would overwhelm either person alone. Real teamwork means embracing a fundamental mindset shift: your spouse’s success is your success, their struggles are yours. When your partner gets promoted, you both celebrate because the team got stronger. When one faces a setback, you both feel it because you’re truly connected.
Many marriages stumble here, slipping into competition instead of teamwork. Who’s working harder? Who’s sacrificing more? Who’s right? But here’s what successful couples understand: “Marriage is a partnership, not a competition, where both win or both lose.”
The African proverb captures this perfectly: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” Marriage is about going far—building a life spanning decades, and weathering challenges that test everything about your love and commitment.
This transforms everyday challenges. Car breaks down? Not “your car” or “my problem”—our transportation needs fixing. Child gets sick? Not whose turn to stay home—our family needs care. Budget feels tight? Not who spent what—our goals need attention.
Fawn Weaver describes the dynamic beautifully: “The greatest marriages are built on teamwork. When one person succeeds, both rejoice. When one stumbles, both help each other up.” The most powerful phrase in a strong marriage is “It’s not you or me, it’s us.” When couples truly embrace this, when they stop asking “What’s in it for me?” and start asking “What’s best for us?”, everything changes.
They Choose Love Daily
Here’s what strong couples know that others don’t: feelings are unreliable. Some days you’ll feel butterflies, others you’ll wonder how you ended up with this particular human. Strong couples understand what you do when the butterflies take a vacation.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” Some days you’ll need to choose love at 9 a.m. when they leave the milk out again, at 2 p.m. when they interrupt your call, and once more at 4:30 a.m. when they’re snoring.
André Maurois compared marriage to architecture: “A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.” Like any building, marriage requires constant maintenance. You don’t build a house, then ignore it for decades, expecting it to remain strong.
Our culture gets this wrong, selling the fairy tale that love is a feeling that either exists or doesn’t.
Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.” observed Ursula Le Guin. A strong and happy marriage doesn’t just happen – you need to make it happen.
Gary Chapman, who has spent his career helping couples understand this, says, “Love is a choice you make every day.” Not just big choices—whether to stay married—but small ones that accumulate into your marriage’s texture. Do you speak kindly even when you are frustrated? Do you listen when they share about their day? Do you show affection when you don’t feel the opposite of affectionate?
In the heat of a disagreement, when you’re focused on being right, it’s easy to forget you’re dealing with someone you chose to build a life with. Barbara Johnson offers a crucial perspective: “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”
Dave Willis acknowledges the reality every strong couple faces: “A strong marriage requires two people who choose to love each other even on those days when they struggle to like each other.” Liking is about feelings and compatibility. Loving is about commitment and choice.
“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” When you understand marriage as an ongoing action rather than a one-time achievement, the daily choice becomes clear. Thomas S. Monson simplified it perfectly: “Choose your love. Love your choice.”
The most liberating truth about choosing love is that it puts you back in control of your marriage’s destiny. When love is just a feeling, you’re at emotions’ mercy. When love is a choice, you become an active participant in creating the marriage you want.
What You Can Do Starting Today
These four behaviors aren’t complicated or revolutionary. The beautiful thing is you can start practicing them today, regardless of where your relationship stands. The best time to develop these habits is now—while the sun is shining.
Focus on the good, start fresh each day, think like teammates, and choose love daily.
You’re not just improving your relationship for today; you’re building the marriage you want tomorrow.
