Last week, we started exploring some ideas from my book Finding Forever, and talked about the first step in dating: getting clear on why you want to get married and build a life with someone else.
This week, I want to take it a step deeper.
Because once you know why you want to build something, the next question becomes:
Who’s actually doing the building?
And by that, I don’t mean the person you’re dating.
I mean you.
Is the life you’re living actually aligned with what you say you believe in?
Something that happened this week highlighted the importance of this question, and I want to share it with you.
I had suggested a girl to a guy I’m working with. On paper, it looked great: values, personality, and vision all seemed to align. I couldn’t help but feel optimistic about where this could lead. He seemed excited about it as well.
But when he called me back a few days later, I could tell something had shifted. There was hesitation in his voice. You know that slight carefulness people have when they’re trying to be polite but have to try really hard? That’s what I heard.
He told me that after speaking to a few people who knew her, he heard things that left him feeling uneasy. Several references mentioned that when it came to tznius, her standards didn’t exactly match the way she had described herself.
For him, it wasn’t just about her skirt or sleeve length. (Though that was important.) It was also about whether he can trust that what she was saying and how she was living were truly the same. For him, that wasn’t something he could easily brush aside.
When your words and your actions match, people feel it right away.
When you live honestly, it becomes obvious.
When I heard what he shared, I decided to reach out to the girl’s mother to tell her what people are saying about her daughter. I told her what a few of the references had said.
She was completely taken aback.
“I don’t know why anyone would say that,” she said. “My daughter has always been proud of her values.”
I understood where she was coming from. It’s difficult to hear something about your child that doesn’t fit the picture you have in your mind.
Of course, she was going to defend her.
That’s what parents do.
But I gently told her, “It’s natural for a mother’s knee-jerk reaction to be to defend her daughter. But sometimes, you have to take a step back and try to see them the way a stranger would. To look at the full picture honestly.”
Is the way her daughter lives, her actions, her words, and the way she presents herself fully aligned with the values she claims to live by?
I was inviting her to reflect on why people would say these things.
This is exactly why knowing who you are and what your core values are matters so much before you step into dating. When your life, your actions, and your values all tell the same story, people trust it.
They feel it.
You don’t have to sell it.
Imagine taking a bite out of what you thought was a delicious chocolate chip cookie, and it turns out it was an oatmeal raisin cookie. You take a bite, expecting chocolate chip goodness, and boom, betrayal by raisins. That is what it feels like to others when your appearance and your lifestyle choices don’t match what you claim is important to you.
You need to master solo before you duo.
Figure out who you are before trying to figure out someone else. And this is not just advice for someone dating for the first time.
It doesn’t matter if you’re building your first home or stepping back into dating after a divorce or loss, the need to live your truth never goes away. If anything, it becomes even more important.
Time for a little self-check. (Don’t worry — no one’s grading this.) Ask yourself:
- What values am I actually living, not just talking about?
- What kind of life do I want to build, and are my daily choices leading me there?
- If someone met me for the first time, without hearing a single word from me, what would they think matters most to me?
If you don’t know yourself clearly or you’re sending mixed signals without realizing it, you’re not just confusing yourself. You’re confusing the people you’re hoping to build a future with.
Put It into Practice:
This week, ask yourself honestly:
- If a stranger met me today, what would they assume matters most to me?
- Is that perception aligned with what I actually believe and value?
Take a few minutes to reflect:
- Did you notice gaps between who you say you are and what people might see?
- How did it feel to think about yourself this way?
I’d love to hear what you discover.
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