Picture this: You’re on a third date with a guy, and they’re telling you about their five-year plan, their hashkafa, and their thoughts on where to live after marriage. Check, check, check—everything sounds great on paper. So why does something feel… off?
Maybe because you’ve been setting marriage goals like you’re hiring a business partner instead of choosing a life partner.
When I start working with new clients, I always ask the same question: “Why do you want to get married?”
“To have kids,” they say. “To build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.”
Beautiful. Important. Absolutely true.
But here’s what I tell them: That’s co-parenting with a kesubah. That’s not marriage.
Don’t get me wrong—raising children together is one of the most meaningful things you’ll ever do. But if that’s all marriage is to you, you’re essentially looking for the world’s most committed babysitting arrangement.
Marriage is a relationship between two people. That’s it. Full stop.
And if you’re not clear on what you want that relationship to feel like, dating can get confusing quickly.
The Buzzword Solution
This is where I borrow from Stephen Covey and his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (yes, the productivity guru—stay with me). One of his famous principles is “Begin with the end in mind.” Before you start anything meaningful, you need to get clear on what you’re actually working toward.
It’s advice meant for life and leadership, but it applies beautifully to dating.
Instead of just listing what you want in a spouse (tall, dark, learns well, makes great cholent), first figure out what you want from marriage itself.
Not what kind of life you want to build—that’s logistics.
Not what values you want to share—that’s compatibility.
What do you want to feel?
Here’s my suggestion: Choose 1-3 words that capture what you personally hope to experience in marriage. Think of them as your relationship buzzwords—the emotional core of your marriage goals.
The feeling you want your marriage to have.
Some Examples (Choose Your Own Adventure)
Partnership – The feeling that you’re genuinely in this together, making decisions as a team, having each other’s backs no matter what.
Deep connection – Being able to be completely yourself with someone and feeling truly understood, even when you’re being a little weird.
Oneness – The sense that you and your partner are deeply connected and in sync, working as one unit while still being two distinct individuals.
Belonging – The deep comfort of knowing that someone chose you, that you are wanted, and that your place in the relationship is secure.
Mutual respect – Knowing that your thoughts, feelings, and quirks are valued, not just tolerated.
Trust – That bone-deep security where you never have to wonder where you stand or second-guess their commitment.
Joy – Actually enjoying each other’s company, laughing together, feeling light and happy in the relationship.
Understanding – Feeling truly seen and known, like this person “gets” you in a way that’s rare.
Your words are yours, your goals, and they might be different than what’s on this list, but they are about tuning into what you most long to feel in a relationship, and keeping that front and center as you date and build a life with someone.
How This Actually Works
Let me give you an example of how this can play out when making dating decisions.
One of my clients was dating someone she really liked. Actually, I think it’s fair to say she was infatuated. And it was not hard to see why—he was charming, good-looking, confident, and had that magnetic presence that can make someone feel swept off their feet.
Her marriage goals centered around one key buzzword: emotional safety. That’s what she longed for in a relationship. A place where she could be open and honest and still feel secure.
But with him, she didn’t have that. Every time she shared something vulnerable or brought up something personal, he either brushed it off or made her feel small for feeling that way. Slowly, her confidence started to crack. She questioned herself constantly. Her self-worth plummeted. But she stayed, because on the surface, everything looked so promising. He seemed so “ideal.”
It took real work—but eventually, she saw it clearly. He wasn’t a safe space. He was a shiny exterior with nothing inside. And once she remembered what she actually wanted from marriage—not a trophy, but a partner—she was able to walk away with clarity.
Real-Time Application
Here’s why buzzwords aren’t just pretty concepts—they’re actual tools.
When you’re dating and something feels off, you can pause and ask: “Is this person moving me toward my buzzword or away from it?”
When you’re deciding whether to say yes to a third date: “Am I feeling more ______ (fill in the blank) or less?”
And once you’re married, these words become even more powerful. Because when things get tough—and they will—you can come back to them again and again.
Before reacting, before speaking, before letting a situation spiral out of control, you can ask yourself:
“Will what I’m about to say or do bring us closer to _____?”
(Whatever your word is—peace, connection, intimacy, unity.)
Focusing on your buzzwords doesn’t mean you will never say the wrong thing, and it doesn’t mean marriage will always feel perfect. But it means you’re not just reacting to whatever drama is happening in the moment. You’re staying focused on what you’re actually building together.
Your Turn
Here’s your homework (and yes, I’m giving you homework):
Sit down with a coffee or a glass of wine and ask yourself:
- What does marriage mean to me, personally?
- What do I most want to feel in this relationship?
- What do I most crave emotionally from a marriage?
Then pick your words. Write them down. These are your marriage goals—the feelings you’re working toward.
Now you have your end goal – the feeling you’re working toward. And the next time you’re on a date, instead of just checking off compatibility boxes, pay attention to whether you’re moving toward that feeling or away from it.
Stop dating like you’re hiring a business partner.
Start dating like you’re choosing the person you want to feel amazing with for the next 120 years.
Begin with the end in mind.
Miriam
One more thing: If you need help clarifying your buzzwords or support in putting this into practice, whether in dating or marriage, I’m here to help.
