Liar, Liar Relationship on Fire

You know what’s funny about dating advice? Everyone’s got some to give, but when it comes to themselves, nobody’s got it figured out!

Last week’s story about a mother, a daughter, and a not-quite-perfect-on-paper match got me thinking about all the times I’ve seen a ‘perfect shidduch’ turn out to be perfectly wrong, and ‘not quite right’ end up being exactly right.

And judging by your responses to Mrs. Greenbaum’s dilemma, I’m not the only one who’s noticed this. So many of you shared your own what if moments—times when an unexpected match led to something beautiful. What if my sister hadn’t given that “not her type” guy a chance? What if my son had stuck to his “must be from Brooklyn” rule? Some of the happiest marriages I know started with someone stepping just outside their comfort zone. Or, as one reader so perfectly put it: “Sometimes the best love stories start with ‘absolutely not!’”

Here is how you voted:

Option A – Flip the Script: 25%

Option B – Leverage Peer Influence: 38%

Option C – The One-Date Challenge: 19%

Option D – Step Back and Trust Leah: 18%

Wow! Friends have real power! And honestly? There’s something to be said for hearing “maybe give it a shot” from someone who isn’t your mom. Though I have to laugh at how few of you voted for the “just one date” approach – I guess we’ve all heard that one a few too many times!

Here are some of your thoughts about Leah’s dilemma:

~So this doesn’t really fall under any of the choices, but I think she should sit down with her daughter and find out why exactly it is that she wants to start off her marriage with someone learning full-time. Is it because that’s what everyone else is doing, or is that something that she genuinely values? Will she have respect for him even though he’s not learning? Because if she can’t respect what he does, then even if everything else matches up, it might not work, in which case her mother should step back and trust Leah’s decision.

~Option A but also tell her the 3-5 years have passed. At what age did she expect to get married ? at 19 or 20? if so at 24 and guy 27 you can’t expect him to be still learning full time or could you because he doesn’t yet have a family to support. bottom line we aren’t in management we don’t run the world and things are not always going to turn out the way we want it to.

~I love this weeks Q and A because I am the Yossi in the Story and I have few times encountered the Leah in the story. If I were looking for the best advocate to my side it would be options A and D. When you let someone make their own decision it feels better than when you try to push them even to go out on one date (usually doesnt help when people are stuck in their ways) To be honest I also didnt want to move on from learning boy to working a bit but what helped me most is EDUCATION. I had both a rebbe and a friend teach me what the most important thing in life is which is being a ben torah with a good wife rather than NEEDING to be in learning long term. I would add an option E of finding someone not to convince necessarily but educate Leah both my example and with knowledge about why her dreams and goals are an amazing shot but also why there is more than just that and then you can let her make a decision etc. Otherwise having someone convince her to just go on one date whether its a friend or offering her a favor of cooking her whatever supper she wants won’t help and most of the time (unless she goes crazy on that date with the boy which is less likely to happen) she will just say no again after that date which wasted her time and the boys time in vain.

My Professional Advice:

Here’s the thing about those picture-perfect plans we make for ourselves – life has a funny way of throwing us curveballs that end up being home runs. While many of you loved the idea of getting a friend involved (and let’s be real, who hasn’t listened to a friend over their mom at least once?) I want to dig a bit deeper here.

As both a mother and a dating coach, I’ve seen this scenario play out countless times from both sides of the fence. Let’s be honest – even the most level-headed young adults tend to tune out their parents’ advice, no matter how spot-on it might be. It’s not because they don’t respect us (okay, maybe sometimes it is), but there’s just too much emotion wrapped up in that parent-child relationship.

That’s why having someone objective in your corner can be a game-changer. Whether it’s a mentor, a coach, or even just someone who’s been there and done that, an emotionally uninvolved third party can often get through in ways parents can’t. They can ask the tough questions without it feeling like an attack, and guide without it feeling like pressure.

Now, about getting friends involved – yes, friends can be great sounding boards. But here’s my word of caution: be selective about whose advice you’re taking. Having too many opinions in the mix can leave you more confused than when you started. And while your friends might mean well, sometimes you need the perspective of someone who’s got a bit more life experience under their belt. You know, someone who’s watched enough dating stories unfold to spot the patterns.

Speaking of patterns – I’ve seen plenty of cases where sticking too rigidly to our “must-haves” meant missing out on some pretty amazing possibilities. Sometimes the best advice doesn’t come from someone telling you what to do, but from someone helping you figure out why you think you need to do it.

Now on to this Week’s Dilemma:

When the Truth Comes Out

You know how they say truth is stranger than fiction? This week I’m going to present a different type of scenario. It’s not a question from someone seeking guidance – it’s a real story that happened to one of my clients, and I want to know what you would do if it happened to you.

The Situation:

Miri was on her 7th date with Josh and it was going really well – until everything fell apart. They were at the reservations desk at the local Top Golf, where they needed his ID to confirm the reservation. As he put it down, her eyes glanced at it and when she noticed his date of birth, she felt faint. At 25, she was open to dating someone up to 5 years older than her. She was told he was 30 – but the date on his license said he was 36, a full 11 years older than her.

To make a long story short – and speaking of short – when she first met him, she had noticed he was much shorter than the 5’8″ listed on his dating profile. His personality had made up for that discrepancy at the time. But now she was livid – she wanted to know what else he was lying about. Turns out, a lot. He had fabricated a whole life – a job that never existed, volunteer work he never did, and he was living with his parents when he told her he had his own apartment. This was too much for her and she broke up with him.

For those wondering how this happened – didn’t she do research before they began dating? The answer is – NO. They met at a singles weekend, hit it off and the rest is history…

The Question:

What would you do if you found out your date lied to you? Maybe not to the extreme like Josh who made up a whole life – but maybe one or two lies?

Option A – The “Nope, I’m Out” Approach

End things right then and there. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and if someone starts off with lies—whether it’s their job, height, or imaginary apartment—that’s a pretty bad sign. If they’re comfortable stretching the truth now, what else might they be fudging? Best to walk away before it turns into a full-blown soap opera.

Option B – The “Let’s Talk About This” Route

Sit them down for a real conversation and ask, why the need to lie? Maybe they’ve been rejected before for their living situation or career struggles and were trying to avoid judgment. While lying isn’t okay, understanding their reasoning might help you figure out if this was a one-time thing or a pattern. Basically, is this fixable, or is it a sneak peek into a lifetime of trust issues?

Option C – The “How Bad Was It, Really?” Check

Take a step back and assess the damage. Did they lie about something big—like being out of work while claiming they have a thriving career? Major red flag. Or was it something more minor—like rounding up their height or pretending to love hiking when they’ve actually only set foot on a trail once? Depending on the severity, you can decide whether to move on or laugh it off.

Option D – The “Truth Test” Challenge

Instead of just confronting them, test their honesty moving forward. Casually bring up something and see if they stick to their story. Try slipping in, “Oh, remind me—what’s your office address again? I was near that area the other day!” and see if they fumble. Or go with, “I was telling a friend about the volunteer work you do—what was the name of it again?” and watch if they suddenly develop selective amnesia.

What would you do?

Have you ever dated someone who lied to you? You can:

Start a Support Group – “The ‘Wait… That Was a Lie?’ Support Group could be the next viral WhatsApp group.

Send them an Invoice for Wasted Time – Bonus if you itemize it: 7 dates x emotional energy + disappointment tax + therapy surcharge = $$$.

Ask me about my Inner Glow workshop for girls.

I am now booking events for after Pesach.

Want me to present at you next gathering? Reach out.

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