I could open a bookstore with the number of books I have. Every new book that comes out, I say to myself, “I need that one.” Every book on psychology, parenting, dating, marriage, life and every self-help concept, idea and topic, I own it. I know all the latest theories and perspectives.
So, the question is, if I read so much, why was I feeling so down on myself? Why did I feel like I’m the worst spouse, mother, friend, sibling, and daughter? Something wasn’t adding up. I thought about it, and thought about it some more, until I understood what the problem was.
When Knowledge Makes You Feel Small
We consume a lot of self-help content. Books, podcasts, articles, Ted talks, shiurim. And all of it comes down to the same two ideas: Less of and More of.
Do less of this and more of that. Stop this, start that. Fix this, add that. Be more patient. Be more present. Be more intentional. Listen better. Love harder. Show up more. Let go. Hold on. Forgive faster. Try harder. Rest more. Move more.
These are all good ideas. That’s not the problem. The problem is what sneaks in with all these messages. There’s a strange paradox at play. The more “motivational” content we consume, the worse we feel about ourselves. Which kind of defeats the purpose.
We live in a culture obsessed with optimization, and when you’re constantly bombarded by messages about becoming better and doing more, it’s easy to start hearing something underneath them: you’re a failure. Inadequate. No matter how hard you try, you’ll never do it the way the experts say you should. So why bother?
Of course, that’s not what they’re saying, but it’s what we absorb.
Think about how much advice is out there. How to be a better parent, better spouse, better friend. How to advance your career and take better care of yourself. How to set boundaries, communicate more effectively, be more vulnerable. There’s advice on how to wake up, wind down, breathe, think, and feel.
I’m surprised no one’s written a book on how to blink correctly.
And every piece of advice, no matter how well-intentioned, carries an implication: you’re not doing it right. After a while, it stops feeling like guidance and becomes an insurmountable mountain. There are too many areas to work on. A million ways you’re falling short. Too much distance between who you are and who you’re told you should be.
At some point, something in you just shuts down. You stop reading articles. Stop listening to podcasts. Stop buying books. Why bother? You’re never going to get there anyway.
But before you assume you’re falling short, ask yourself: by whose standard?
What Real Life Looks Like
Maybe your dating life doesn’t look like the professionals think it should. You’ve been on more first dates than you can count. You’ve said “it was nice to meet you” when it wasn’t. Some weeks you’re hopeful, some weeks you’re just tired. But you’re still in it. Still showing up. Still believing it could happen. That takes more strength than any book gives you credit for.
Maybe your parenting doesn’t look like the articles say it should. You’ve bribed them with screens. You’ve raised your voice. Some days you’re just counting down to bedtime. But your kids are thriving and know they’re loved. When they’re scared, they come to you. When they’re proud, you’re the first one they want to tell. That says it all.
Maybe your marriage doesn’t look like the podcasts say it should. You’ve gone to bed angry. You have the same argument over and over. Date night is a distant memory. No one is writing a romance novel about your marriage, but you’re still in it. Still choosing each other. Still figuring it out together. That’s not failing. That’s everything.
Maybe your family drama is messier than the experts would approve of. There’s stuff you’re still holding onto, baggage from childhood, roles you got stuck in years ago, dynamics that never quite shifted. The family chat makes you want to throw your phone in the ocean. But when it matters, you show up. You showed up to the last simcha (even though you had “nothing” to wear.) You’ll show up to the next one. Doesn’t that count?
Maybe your friendships don’t look the way the books recommend. There are missed birthdays. Long stretches of silence. Texts you meant to answer and didn’t. But the ones that matter? They’re still there. And not out of obligation. They’re still there because when something happens, the hard stuff or the happy stuff — you show up. And they know it.
Your life may not look like the fantasy version from the books. But look at what’s there.
Your still dating with positivity. Your kids feel safe. Your marriage is still standing. Your people are still your people. That’s not failure or inadequacy. That’s not “fine.” That’s remarkable and it’s time you believed it.
What Doesn’t Need Fixing
You should see how well you are doing despite what the professionals say you should be doing differently. You’re so busy measuring yourself against the expert version, so focused on the gap between where you are and where the advice says you should be, that you miss how great you’re doing. You keep seeing “proof” that you’re failing and missing the proof that you’re already enough.
You cannot grow when feeling like a failure. It doesn’t work. A person who believes they’re getting everything wrong doesn’t wake up energized to make changes. They wake up tired. Defeated before the day even begins.
What makes growth possible is believing you have something to work with. That you’re not starting with a blank slate or a list of failures. You need to feel that some things — many things — are already working.
The self-help world gives you two categories. Less Of and More Of. What to stop doing and what to start. It’s always about changing something. Always looking for what’s broken and what needs to be fixed. But no one ever tells you what to leave alone. No one says: This thing you’re doing? Keep doing it. It’s working.
Same Of. That’s the third category. There’s a lot in your life that doesn’t need fixing. A lot that’s working. Stuff you’ve held together, shown up for, kept going, day after day, without anyone giving you a gold star or saying to you, “Hey, you’re doing great.” But you are. You just don’t see it.
You are not a failure.
You are not inadequate.
You are awesome.
A Better Place to Grow From
The truth is the books aren’t the enemy. The podcasts aren’t the problem. The problem is absorbing them from a place of “I’m not enough.” You can’t grow from “I’m failing at everything.” That’s not a starting point. That’s a dead end. But “some things are working, and now I can build on them”? That’s where growth begins. That’s where change becomes possible.
Yes, you should look at what you need to do less of. Look at what you need to do more of. But don’t skip over same of. That’s where your gold is.
For once, stop looking at everything you’re not. Look at everything you are.
All those books are still on my shelf, and I’ll probably keep buying more, but I stopped treating them like a mirror of everything I’m getting wrong and started letting them inspire instead of intimidate. I know that I’m a good mother, wife, friend, sister, and daughter.
It’s not the “perfect” textbook version. It’s the realistic version. And that version is pretty great.
