Most of us know what it’s like to get caught in bad weather while driving.
You’re zipping down the highway, blasting music, having your own private concert, when it starts raining heavily, so you slow down. You turn on the wipers, leave more space between you and the car in front of you, and pay closer attention. You turn off the music because somehow that helps you see better. Driving takes more effort than it normally does, but you’re okay. You can still see where you’re going.
Then there’s the kind of rain where you can’t.
The wipers are going as fast as they can, and it doesn’t matter. You can barely make out the lines on the road. You’re trying to follow the taillights in front of you, but even those keep disappearing. At some point, you realize that continuing to drive isn’t a good idea.
So, you pull over.
This perfectly describes the difference between stress and overwhelm.
“I’m so stressed.” “I’m completely overwhelmed.” But they’re different.
Stress is when something feels like a lot, but you can still manage it. You may have to work harder. You may be tired, frustrated, anxious, or stretched thin. But you can still function. You can still think. You can still make decisions.
Overwhelm is when what’s being asked of you becomes more than you have the capacity to handle. You’re no longer functioning the way you normally do.
Stress is driving in heavy rain.
Overwhelm is when you can’t see the road anymore.
Shidduchim Are Stressful
If there’s one place where you can pretty much count on hitting some bad weather, it’s shidduchim. It’s a rare blessing when shidduchim are completely stress-free.
When you’re doing okay, you can make decisions and trust your own judgment. You can go on a date, take in what happened, and have some sense of whether you want to go out again. You may be unsure, and you may need time to sort through something, but your brain is working with you.
When you’re stressed, all of that takes more effort. You can still make decisions, but they don’t come as easily. You second-guess yourself more, need more time to process, and find yourself going around in circles before you get there.
Instead of scheduling dates back-to-back, spread them out. Slow the pace and give yourself some breathing room.
It’s the driving equivalent of taking your foot off the gas. The road is harder to see, so you adjust your speed. You give yourself more time and more space. You’re still able to drive. You just shouldn’t be driving quite so fast.
The Breaking Point
When you’re overwhelmed, slowing down may not be enough. You can replay a date twenty different ways and still have no idea what you think about it. Small decisions feel enormous. You ask everyone else what you should do because you can’t access your own judgment, or you wish someone else would make the decision for you just so you don’t have to.
Overwhelm isn’t just “I’m really, really stressed.” It’s when your brain feels like it’s stopped cooperating. You can’t process, you can’t think clearly, and even decisions that are usually manageable feel impossible.
That’s when you need to ask yourself, Can I still see the road?
Because there is a point when more thinking doesn’t lead to better thinking.
If you’re driving through heavy rain, you concentrate harder.
If you can’t see the road, concentrating harder isn’t the answer.
You pull over.
Help!
This is one of the biggest problems with dating while overwhelmed.
Dating requires you to pay attention. Do I enjoy being with this person? Is something bothering me? Do I want to keep going?
Those aren’t easy questions on a good day. When you’re overwhelmed, they become even harder because you may not know what you’re reacting to anymore.
Do I not want to go out with him again, or do I not want to go out with anyone again?
Was that date actually awful, or am I just done?
Is this thing bothering me because it matters to me, or is everything bothering me right now?
That doesn’t mean your concerns aren’t real. It means you may not be in the best position to understand them.
Dating asks you to trust your judgment, pay attention to what you’re experiencing, and make decisions with enormous consequences. When overwhelm makes those things harder, powering through isn’t always the power move.
Taking a Break Isn’t the Same as Giving Up
This is where people get nervous.
What if I take a break and miss someone?
What if I lose momentum?
What if I’m just avoiding something difficult?
Those are fair questions. Sometimes you do want to avoid things because they’re uncomfortable, and not every difficult period calls for a break. But continuing at all costs isn’t automatically healthier either.
Sometimes, taking a break lets you come back and be present, rather than just going through the motions.
And a break doesn’t have to mean disappearing from shidduchim for six months. It could mean a few weeks without hearing suggestions.
It could mean, “I don’t want to talk about dating for the next few weeks.”
One thing I’ve noticed with my coaching clients, is that it’s much easier to reset when you take a break before you’re completely overwhelmed. You don’t have to wait until you can’t see the road at all. If the rain is getting heavier and you can tell you’re getting close to that point, it may be time to pull over. The clients who pause before they hit their limit usually have a much easier time coming back than the ones who keep pushing until they just can’t anymore.
There’s no right amount of time. You’re giving yourself a chance to rest, reset, and get back to a place where you can think clearly again.
What Not To Do
We tend to turn rest into another job.
We decide to take a “break” from dating, and then immediately create a dating-break curriculum.
Now I’m going to figure myself out. I’m going to analyze my last five dating experiences. I’m going to read three dating books, listen to all the shidduch podcasts, journal every morning, and figure out my patterns.
Which may be great at some point.
But if you’re overwhelmed, now is not the time. You need to stop figuring things out for a while.
Go out with your friends. Exercise. Cook. Read. Go away for a few days. Let yourself be a person who isn’t currently evaluating, deciding, analyzing, or trying to improve anything.
The purpose of pulling over in a storm isn’t to use the time to become a better driver.
You’re waiting until you can see again.
When Are You Ready to Date Again?
Probably not when all the stress is gone.
Dating may still feel tiring and frustrating. You may still wish you were already married and didn’t have to do this anymore. You may still get nervous before a first date or disappointed when something doesn’t work.
That’s okay. You’re not waiting for perfect weather. You’re waiting until the wipers can keep up again.
Sometimes the right thing is to keep going even though something is hard.
Sometimes you need to slow down.
And there are times when you need to pull over.
