I was recently driving through the Hugh L. Carey Tunnel, AKA the Battery Tunnel, listening to a podcast on Emunah by Rabbi Efrem Goldberg (if you haven’t heard his shiurim, consider this my very enthusiastic recommendation), when he said something that made me want to stop driving and think about what he said.
I didn’t, though, because stopping in the middle of the Battery Tunnel is the kind of idea that ends with loud honking and lots of angry drivers, but I did rewind it. (I remember this because you know how sometimes you hear something that makes such an impression that you remember exactly where you were when you heard it? This thought came with a permanent mental picture of the Battery Tunnel. Not the most inspiring setting for a spiritual revelation, but I take what I can get.)
Rabbi Goldberg was discussing the difference between asking Hashem for something from a place of ego versus Elokus. In other words, when you daven, your requests should ideally be motivated by what you can do for Hashem, rather than simply what you want for yourself.
A beautiful idea. With one little complication.
Once you know that Hashem wants you to ask for things for His sake, it becomes remarkably easy to give your requests a spiritual makeover.
Dear Hashem, please give me lots of money so I can give more tzedakah. A bigger house would be wonderful, too. Think of all the guests I could invite for Shabbos! And while You’re at it, a nice vacation, preferably on a beach, with a piña colada, complete with a little umbrella. After all, I’ll come back refreshed and ready to serve You with renewed energy.
You may mean it. But maybe you also want the money because financial security is nice, the house because you’d love more space, and the vacation because, well, it’s a vacation.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying nice things. But there’s a difference between having genuinely lofty intentions and attaching lofty explanations to your desires. You may convince yourself of the purity of your motives, but Hashem knows what you’re really thinking.
I Want to Want
After Shemoneh Esrei, you say, Asei l’maan Shemecha, asei l’maan kedushasecha. Do it for the sake of Your Name, for the sake of Your holiness. But what if I can’t honestly say that’s why I’m asking? What if I’d love to have such pure intentions, but the truth is that I want things because they’ll make me happy?
Rabbi Goldberg shared a beautiful idea attributed to the Bnei Yissaschar. Even when you aren’t yet at the level of doing everything entirely l’shem Shamayim, you can acknowledge that to Hashem and express your desire to reach that level.
He said you should add your own little prayer.
“I wish I could say I’m davening entirely for You, Hashem. But honestly, I’m doing it for myself, too. Still, I genuinely want to become someone who can say that truthfully. So please, consider my request in light of that desire.”
In other words, I want to want.
I love those three words. You’re not pretending you’ve achieved something you haven’t. You’re simply acknowledging where you are and where you’d like to be. In ruchniyus, that sincere desire to grow has tremendous value.
As I was thinking about this, my mind wandered, as it often does, to dating. While I want to want is a beautiful approach to spiritual growth, I’m not sure it works quite the same way when you’re choosing someone to marry.
Are You Looking for Your Future Self?
You probably have an image of the person you’d like to become. You wish you were more disciplined, accomplished, confident, generous, outgoing, or more serious about your Yiddishkeit.
When you’re dating, you may look for someone who already has those qualities, even though you haven’t quite developed them yourself, as though marrying someone who does will bring you a little closer to becoming that person.
You may genuinely want to learn in Kollel or become someone who would happily support a husband learning in Kollel. You admire the commitment, respect the sacrifices, and wish you were at that level yourself. But wishing you were there doesn’t necessarily mean you’re there.
Similarly, you may dream of building a home with particularly high standards of Yiddishkeit. You want a wife/husband who lives by those standards, even though you haven’t incorporated them into your own life yet.
Same with middos and character traits. You want to become more patient, generous, thoughtful, and easygoing. You recognize the value of those qualities and wish you had more of them yourself, but you don’t – yet. Meanwhile, you’re looking for someone who already has them.
Or you may admire intelligence and intellectual curiosity. You’d love to be more well-read, knowledgeable, and able to hold your own in fascinating conversations. You just haven’t gotten around to doing much reading or learning yet. Nevertheless, you’re looking for someone exceptionally intelligent and intellectually accomplished.
Even physical appearance can fall into this category. You may intend to get in shape, dress better, or take greater care of your appearance, but you don’t. Still, you’re already looking for a spouse who lives that way.
These aren’t insincere aspirations. You may genuinely want to be better and do better.
You know the person you intend to become. You can practically see that future version of yourself, complete with all the qualities, accomplishments, and improvements you’re planning to make. But because those aspirations feel so real, you sometimes begin to think of them as qualities you already possess.
You give yourself credit for the person you hope to become, while expecting the person you marry to have already become that person.
A Reality Check
People sometimes use an expression when talking about shidduchim: “Date in your own league.” I’ve never particularly liked that wording. It makes people sound like teams in a sports tournament, with everyone ranked. And who exactly gets to do the ranking? Human beings are far too complicated to be reduced to a score. But I do think there’s something worth considering beneath that expression.
You want the best. Someone attractive, intelligent, interesting, emotionally mature, responsible, kind, accomplished, blessed with wonderful middos, and a terrific sense of humor. While you’re at it, why not add easygoing, understanding, and willing to compromise?
Nothing wrong with wanting these qualities in a spouse.
But have you ever considered what the person you’re describing might be looking for?
If you want someone accomplished, attractive, intelligent, and spiritual, it’s reasonable to assume someone with those qualities might want the same in a spouse.
That doesn’t mean you need to match them in every area. A marriage isn’t built on two identical resumes, bank accounts, appearances, or personalities.
Are you looking for someone who fits who you are today, or someone who belongs in the life you’re aspiring to for your future self? Would the person you’re hoping to marry be equally happy choosing you? After all, while you’re choosing a spouse, someone is also choosing you.
Can Marriage Make You Who You Want to Be?
Of course, one of the great things about marriage is how much two people can influence each other. A guy who isn’t particularly serious about learning may become more motivated after marrying someone who highly values Torah.
Someone who has always struggled with organization may pick up better habits from a spouse who seems to have their life remarkably well organized.
And someone who wants to become more patient, responsible, or ambitious may be inspired to work on those traits by marrying someone who already possesses them.
It happens. People grow tremendously through marriage, sometimes in ways they never imagined. But there’s a difference between hoping your spouse will inspire you and expecting marriage to accomplish what you haven’t yet accomplished.
You can’t assume that marrying someone disciplined will make you disciplined, or that marrying someone successful will somehow turn your own ambitions into accomplishments. Your spouse can encourage you, but they can’t do your growing for you.
And the reverse is equally important.
What if you’re dating someone who doesn’t have the qualities you’re looking for, but genuinely wants to develop them? They want to become more responsible, more emotionally mature, or more serious about their Yiddishkeit. They have wonderful intentions, and perhaps they’re even taking steps in the right direction, but they aren’t there yet.
Would you still want to marry them if they haven’t reached the level they’re hoping for?
People can and do change, but there’s no guarantee they’ll become everything they aspire to be. You don’t need to marry someone who’s finished growing. In fact, being growth-oriented is crucial for marriage and life.
You certainly don’t need to have reached all your own goals before marriage. But the relationship should make sense with the two people you are today, not depend entirely on the people you both hope to become.
Back to the Battery Tunnel
What stayed with me most from Rabbi Goldberg’s shiur was the beauty of those three words.
I want to want.
Hashem knows you haven’t reached the spiritual level you aspire to. He sees your struggles, your intentions, and the distance between where you are and where you hope to be. Your sincere desire to grow matters to Him.
But when you’re dating, wanting to become someone doesn’t mean you’ve already become that person.
There’s nothing wrong with looking for someone who inspires you, someone whose accomplishments you admire or whose strengths complement your own. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with aiming high. You just have to remember that your aspirations don’t create your present reality.
When you daven, you can tell Hashem, “I’m not there yet, but I want to be,” but when you sit across from someone on a date, you have to remember that marriage isn’t between two people who hope to become compatible someday.
Keep aspiring to become someone better.
Keep wanting to want.
Just don’t forget that the person you’re looking for has expectations, too.
Would the person you want to marry want to marry the person you are today?
Miriam
P.S. Would you like to get a fresh perspective or help with clarity? If you’re interested in working with me one-on-one, you can read more about my coaching by clicking here: For first-time singles or second-time singles.
