My grandson said the cutest thing the other day. And not the usual “kids say funny things” kind of cute – I mean peak adorable.
I asked him, “What are you going to get when you have your upsherin?” Without missing a beat, he said, “I’ll get a yarmulka, tzitzis, and a beard.”
I burst out laughing. To him, of course, that made perfect sense. Every man in his life wears a yarmulka, tzitzis, AND has a beard. So naturally, they must be a package deal. One ceremony, three accessories. Like a spiritual starter pack.
It’s great logic. He’s working with the information he has. He sees the end result – grown men with the full look – and assumes it all arrives at once.
Kids assume things because they seem obvious in their little world. Adults do it too. We assume certain things come bundled together. If someone has A, they obviously also have B and C. It’s pattern recognition – we see something enough times, and suddenly it becomes “the rule.” There are exceptions to every rule…
We also make assumptions about the meaning of commonly used words and phrases. We figure everyone translates them the same way we do, but that is not the case. A “biscuit” in one country is a cookie, in another it’s a fluffy roll. “Chips” can mean fries or a bag of potato chips. Even “tea” can be a hot drink, a cold drink, or a full meal depending on where you are from.
My grandson isn’t wrong for thinking beard = upsherin package. He’s working with what he knows. But someone needs to gently correct that assumption before he’s shocked on his upsherin day.
Why We Do This
It’s how our brains are designed to work. We make educated guesses based on the information we have. And sometimes our assumptions are right! The problem is when we fail to verify whether our assumptions are correct.
This happens constantly in dating. Before you even meet, you’re piecing together who they are from a resume. We say yes or no based on a single fact and assume we know the entire picture. And on the dates, you jump to conclusions without confirming you understand them correctly because we are so sure we understand exactly what they mean.
Big Mistake!
Making assumptions is natural – your mind does it automatically. You’re human. However, you need to be willing to clarify by asking questions, rather than hoping you’re right.
Sometimes these assumptions occur before we agree to date someone. Other times, it’s when your date says something, and we don’t bother clarifying
Let me give you some examples:
He learns full-time, so he must have his priorities straight.
Everyone from that seminary is a certain way, so she’s probably like that too.
She’s pretty and put-together, so she must have great middos.
He has a successful career, so he must be generous.
He’s from that community, so I already know his hashkafa.
Every girl I know who has a career is super driven and never wants to stay home with kids – so she must also be like that.
And the words people use?
Everyone uses them, yet no two people have the same understanding of what they mean.
“Open-minded” to one person means willing to try new restaurants. To another, it’s
referring to their hashkafa.
“Heimish” could mean warm and down-to-earth, or it could mean their background.
“Normal” – what does that even mean? Who is normal?
“Personal growth” – reads self-help? in therapy? learns mussar?
“Shtark” might mean serious learning or it might mean strict with halacha or it might mean intense personality.
“Simple” sounds straightforward until you realize one person’s simple is another person’s boring.
And “serious” may not mean the same thing to both of you. Serious about what? Marriage? Learning? Life in general?
We’re doing exactly what my grandson did. Assuming.
The Assumptions We Make About Ourselves
Here’s something people rarely think about. We don’t only make assumptions about other people. We also make assumptions about ourselves.
And those assumptions hurt the most.
Things like:
- “Guys like him won’t go out with me.”
- “I’m too old for him.”
- “I’m not the ‘typical’ type, so the guys I want won’t be interested”
- “I’ve been dating for 5 years, so I’m clearly doing something wrong.”
- “I’m not naturally outgoing, so I must be boring on dates”
- “He for sure wants to break up with me.”
Says who???
You are assuming all this, but who said it’s true?
Half the dating panic I see isn’t about the other person at all – it’s about the story you’re telling yourself about who you are and what you deserve. Most of these stories are false. But they feel real because no one ever challenges them.
So, How Do You Stop Assuming?
You just have to ask one MORE question. That’s it.
When they say “I want a warm home,” ask: “What does warm look like to you?”
When they say “I am a growing person,” ask: “In what areas?”
When they say “I’m an old-fashioned gal,” ask: “What does that mean in your world?”
When they say “I’m close with my family,” ask: “Are you a Mama’s boy?”
When they say “I want a Torah-centered life,” ask: “What does that practically mean in daily life?”
You are not interrogating, analyzing, or grilling. You are just clarifying.
The extra question reveals the meaning behind the word. And that tiny bit of clarity can prevent weeks – sometimes months – of confusion, mismatched expectations, and unnecessary heartbreak.
The Beard Doesn’t Come with the Package
Here’s what I’m going to tell my grandson before his upsherin: “You’re going to get your first haircut, and yes, you’ll start wearing a yarmulka and tzitzis like the big boys. But the beard? That doesn’t come with it. You have to wait for that one.”
And here’s what I’m telling you: Stop assuming.
Assumptions are cute on toddlers. They’re less cute when two adults are trying to build a life together. So, the next time you hear a phrase that feels “obvious,” stop and remember the beard.
Nothing is obvious. Nothing is automatic. No two people mean the same thing – even when they use the same words.
The yarmulka doesn’t mean you get the beard.
“I’m flexible” – does that mean easygoing, or does that mean wishy-washy?
“Modern” and “yeshivish” – good luck defining those without a full conversation.
“I want someone chill” – are we talking laid-back, unmotivated, or finds loopholes in halacha?
“She’s very down-to-earth” – wait, is she grounded or low-maintenance?
“He’s independent” – so he’s self-sufficient or emotionally distant?
“He is stable” – does that mean responsible or boring?
See how easily it all gets lost in translation?
Stop filling in the blanks with assumptions. Start filling them in with actual information.
And the way to do that?
By clarifying and asking questions.
That’s it. That’s the whole thing.
No assumptions. Just questions.
