Are You Listening to Me?

Last week, we discussed how to share important info about yourself on dates meaningfully. But communication isn’t just about talking. You can be the best at expressing yourself, but if the other person isn’t really listening, it won’t matter. So, this week, I am flipping things around and talking about listening. There’s good listening, and then there’s… let’s just say not-such-good listening. And the way someone listens? It tells you a lot about how they’ll communicate in a relationship.

Since it’s Chodesh Adar, I decided we’d have some fun with this topic! So, welcome to…

🏆 The Great Listening Olympics! 🏆

That’s right! The competition is on to see which listening style wins the ultimate prize: a strong connection (and maybe even walk down to the chuppah). I’m your host, Miriam Zeitlin, and joining me is expert dater Leah Goldstein.

Leah, what are we looking for in today’s event?

“Thanks, Miriam! We’ll be judging contestants based on attention span, empathy, response quality, and overall connection. Let the games begin!”

🏅 Round 1: The Disqualification Round

These listeners? Immediate disqualification. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

The “Huh? What?” Listener (Distracted Listening)

📍 Scene: Perk Up Café

Racheli: “I work in healthcare administration, but I’m really passionate about patient advocacy. I’ve actually been taking night classes in healthcare policy so I can help families navigate the medical system.”

Yossi, glancing at his phone: “Sorry, what? I was checking the baseball score.”

 DISQUALIFIED!

Miriam: “Oof. Major foul. The ‘Huh? What?’ Listener just got caught ignoring their date in favor of their phone.”

Leah: “That’s an instant disqualification! If you’re more interested in your screen than the person across from you, you’re not winning any medals—or any second dates.”

The “Oh, You Think THAT’S Bad?” Listener (One-Upper Listening)

📍 Scene: Central Park

Chavie: “My final exams last semester were so stressful. I barely slept for two weeks,” shares Chavie.

“Oh, you think THAT’S bad? When I was in law school, I once went five days without sleeping at all during finals week. I was hallucinating by the end, and my professor actually thought I needed medical attention! It was the worst experience of my life, and my friends still talk about how I showed up to the wrong exam room…” Daniel continues with his much more dramatic story for three full minutes.

DISQUALIFIED!

Miriam: “And there it is, folks! The One-Upper Listener takes the spotlight… and completely hijacks the conversation.”

 Leah: “Classic mistake. If someone always has a ‘better’ or worse story, they’re not listening—they’re competing. And dating isn’t a competition. Another elimination!”

The “Uh-huh, Cool” Listener (Passive Listening)

📍 Scene: Museum of Modern History

Moshe: I spent last year traveling through Europe, which was life-changing. Then I started my job at the accounting firm, which has been challenging but rewarding. I also volunteer with special needs children on Sundays,” explains Moshe with clear enthusiasm.

“Uh-huh… cool… that’s nice,” responds Dina flatly, with minimal eye contact and no follow-up questions.

 DISQUALIFIED!

Miriam: “That was brutal. This is what we call bare minimum engagement.”

 Leah: “Yep. Zero follow-up questions, no real reaction—just polite nodding. If you’re giving ‘customer service energy’ on a date, you’re not making it to the next round.”

The “Relax, It’s Not a Big Deal” Listener (Defensive Listening)

📍 Scene: Sweet Things Ice Cream Shop

Rivka: “I know it’s small, but when people are late it really bothers me. I just like it when other’s show up on time.”

Ari: “Wow, you’re seriously going to make an issue out of five minutes? You need to relax! It’s not like I’m an hour late. Traffic is awful in this city, and honestly, most people aren’t so uptight about time. My family runs on what we call ‘Jewish Standard Time’—everyone’s always a little late!” launches Ari, immediately on the defensive.

DISQUALIFIED!

Miriam: Yikes. The Defensive Listener strikes again—shutting down the conversation instead of hearing their date out.”

Leah: “Instead of acknowledging feelings, they jump straight into defense mode. And if someone can’t handle small feedback now, imagine bigger issues later!”

🏅 Round 2: The Bronze Medal Contender

 Not terrible, but could be better.

 The “I’m Actually Here” Listener (Casually Engaged Listening)

📍 Scene: Brooklyn Botanical Garden

Devorah: “When my grandmother was sick, it changed how I prioritize family time.”

Binyamin: “That must’ve been hard for your family,” responds Binyamin, making eye contact and nodding but not asking any follow-up questions or sharing his own thoughts on family priorities.”

Miriam: “Okay, so this contestant is actually paying attention—nice! But… they’re not really moving the conversation forward.”

 Leah: “Exactly. It’s not bad, but it’s a missed opportunity. A simple follow-up like ‘How long was she sick?’ would’ve taken it to the next level.”

🏅 Round 3: The Silver Medal Winner

✨ Now we’re getting somewhere!

🥈 The “I Get It” Listener (Reflective Listening)

📍 Scene: Marriot Hotel Lobby

Shira: “Growing up in a big family with five siblings definitely shaped who I am today. I had to learn to speak up to be heard, but also to compromise a lot.”

Aaron: “So basically, you had to figure out when to stand your ground and when to let things go. That’s probably helped you in other areas, too, right?”

Miriam: “Okay, now we’re talking! This listener gets it.”

 Leah: “Yep! Reflecting back what someone says shows you’re actually processing what they’re sharing. Silver medal well-earned!”

🏆 Round 4: The Gold Medal Winner

🔥 And now for our top performer!

 The “I’m Curious to Hear More” Listener (Engaged & Fun Listening)

📍 Scene: Evening Stroll

Meir: “Growing up, my family moved around a lot, and it was hard always being the new kid in school. I guess that’s why I value stability so much now.”

Blimi: “Wow, that must have been really challenging—constantly adjusting to new places, new schools, and new people. Did you ever feel like you got used to it, or was each move just as hard as the last?”

Miriam: “And we have a gold medalist! The ‘I’m Curious to Hear More’ Listener doesn’t just acknowledge what’s being said—they dig deeper in a way that keeps the conversation flowing naturally.”

Leah: “Exactly! They don’t just nod along; they ask thoughtful, open-ended questions that show real interest. This kind of listening makes the speaker feel valued, understood, and excited to keep talking!”

Signs You’re Dating a Gold Medal Listener

You know you’ve found a great listener when:

✅ You feel comfortable sharing things you hadn’t even planned to mention.

✅ They remember little details from past convos.

✅ You don’t feel rushed when you talk.

✅You don’t feel like it is a competition

✅ Their responses show they get what you mean—not just your words, but your feelings.

✅ You leave feeling understood—not just heard.

You don’t have to be a perfect conversationalist to be a gold-medal listener—real connection comes not only from how well you talk but how well you listen.

I hope you find someone who truly listens—not just with their ears, but with their heart! ❤️