My phone buzzes with an unknown number.
“hi im ready to get married i like learning and sports send me ideas”
That is the text that prompted this article. You can’t make this stuff up…
Reaching out to a shadchan sounds like the simplest part of the shidduch process. You hear a name, get their number, send a text, and then wait to hear back. In practice, it’s where a lot of people tank their first impression before the shadchan has even met them.
Most people aren’t trying to come across badly. The shidduch process is emotionally taxing, and reaching out to a stranger to help you find your spouse is inherently vulnerable and, for a lot of people, deeply uncomfortable. I get it. But I wish people would realize how much they’re communicating in that first text.
What constantly surprises me, though by now it really shouldn’t, is how casually people reach out. No introduction, no name, zero punctuation, misspelled words.
Here are some actual first texts I have received:
- “what types do you have”
- “hi can you help me”
- “wassup”
- “heard ur good”
- “looking for marriage”
- “you know any normal boys”
- “Can you call me” (sent at 12:47 AM)
- “This is Chana’s cousin’s roommate’s friend”
- “I’m ready to date now”
- “my mother wanted me to reach out”
- “looking for someone pretty and chill”
If you’ve ever sent one of those texts, this is not about shaming you, it is about showing you a better way. Nobody handed you a “how to text a shadchan” manual until now.
Here’s a guide to the proper way to reach out to and follow up with a shadchan.
How to Prepare Before Contacting a Shadchan
Before you even draft that first text, have a sense of who you are and what you’re actually looking for. It doesn’t need to be a clipboard checklist, but it should be enough that when I ask, you’re not sitting there frozen, trying to come up with an answer in real time.
Have your resume, blurb, and photo ready to send. I can’t tell you how often I hear “oh, I don’t have one.” You reached out to me. Be ready.
What to Say in Your First Message to a Shadchan
Introduce yourself with your full name. If someone referred you, mention who. Don’t text me for the first time at midnight unless we already know each other and that timing has been established as okay. And please, use proper grammar and spelling. It’s really not asking much. Spellcheck exists for a reason. It does not need to sound like a corporate email, but “single 24” with no name is not the vibe.
Ask if I’m currently taking on new people and if I work with your demographic. If I say yes, ask if you can send me your info, and then ask when would be a good time to talk or meet so I can get to know you a little.
For example, a first text might sound like:
“Hi, my name is Chani Cohen. My cousin Rivky Fried suggested I reach out. I’m 27, open-minded Yeshivish, and live in Brooklyn. I was wondering if you’re currently taking on people in my age range, and if it would be okay to send my info?”
From there, once I say yes, you can follow with:
“Great, thank you. I’ll send my resume, blurb, and photo here. Is there a good time in the next week or two to speak or meet so you can get to know me a bit?”
While you’re in that first conversation, ask the shadchan how they prefer to be contacted going forward. When’s a good time of day to reach out? Is it okay if I check in every few weeks, or is there a frequency you prefer?”
How Often Should You Follow Up with a Shadchan?
People are often terrified of following up because they don’t want to seem annoying. But respectfully following up is expected. Most shadchanim are juggling dozens, sometimes hundreds, of people, conversations, resumes, and suggestions at once. A polite check-in helps keep you on their radar.
That said, there is a difference between being persistent and annoying.
Following up every few weeks is perfectly reasonable. Sending multiple texts within a few days usually isn’t. And guilt-texting “just wondering why you’re ignoring me” is almost never going to get the response you’re hoping for.
If a shadchan takes a few days to respond, please do not spiral. Most are balancing this alongside jobs, families, simchas, crises, errands, and approximately 4,000 unread messages. Your text may genuinely have gotten buried.
How to Follow Up with a Shadchan
A lot of people have a set time they follow up, like around Rosh Chodesh, which is great. What’s less great is when it’s the exact same text, copy-pasted, month after month after month. I have people who have been sending me the identical text for years. My heart genuinely goes out to you, but the way to actually get my attention is to change it up.
Tell me what’s new. Tell me what’s changed since we last spoke. If nothing has changed, say that, and maybe make a joke about it. Mention that you started a new job, went on an exciting trip, or picked up a new hobby. Anything that reminds me you’re a person and not a recurring alarm on my phone.
And please resend your resume, photo, and blurb. Don’t make me scroll up through six months of identical texts trying to find the picture you sent me last March. You are doing me a favor by making it easy.
Here are a few examples of what a thoughtful follow-up actually looks like:
“Hi Miriam! Doing my monthly check-in. Nothing earth-shattering to report. I am still single, still hopeful, but I started a new job at [X], and I’m actually loving it so far. Re-attaching everything. Hope you’re well!”
“Hi Miriam, hope you had a good Yom Tov. Honestly, nothing new on my end. Still the same job, same life, same me, but I figured I’d say hi so I don’t disappear into the void. Photo and resume attached again!”
“Hi Miriam! Quick update. I moved to [neighborhood], have been getting out more, and feel like I’m in a much better place than when we last spoke. Re-sending the usuals. Would love to stay on your radar.”
You can see how those land a little differently than “hi just checking in” for the fifteenth time. The goal of a follow-up is to tap the shadchan on the shoulder gently and say, “Hey, I’m still here, still a real person, still open to ideas.”
Feedback After a Date
Please do not disappear after dates and make the shadchan track you down for a response.
Ideally, feedback should happen by around 11 AM the next morning. If you need more time to think things over, that’s completely okay, just communicate that. You can say something like, “I’m still thinking about it and don’t want to answer impulsively. Can I get back to you later today?”
The longer people avoid responding, the more unnecessarily stressful the situation becomes for everyone involved.
Also, not every date needs a five-page psychological analysis, but vague answers like “not my vibe” don’t give much direction either. “I think I connect better with someone more emotionally expressive.” Or “I need someone who’s comfortable with a more laid-back lifestyle.” That kind of feedback helps a shadchan refine future suggestions.
Let the Shadchan Know When You’re Engaged
Please let me know if you get engaged. It is basic courtesy, and it spares everyone a slightly awkward future text where I excitedly message you about an idea, and you reply, “Oh! I’ve been engaged for two months, sorry, forgot to tell you.”
Close the loop. It’s genuinely a joy to hear that things moved forward, even if nothing we suggested directly led to it.
Don’t Forget to Say Thank You
Say thank you. Even when nothing comes of it. Even when I didn’t have anyone in mind that month, or last month, or the month before.
A simple “I appreciate you always responding, even when you don’t have ideas” makes me want to keep thinking for you. Appreciation makes a draining process feel more human for everyone involved, especially when it can feel repetitive, transactional, and discouraging.
What to Do When a Shadchan Doesn’t Respond
I can’t speak for every shadchan, but I try to respond to everyone who reaches out. Sometimes a text genuinely slips through the cracks, though. I am one person with a phone that never stops buzzing. If I don’t respond, please don’t take it personally, and please don’t give up.
If you’ve followed up a few times over a reasonable period and a particular shadchan ultimately isn’t responsive or doesn’t seem to “get” you, that’s okay. Not every shadchan works well with every personality. The shidduch process is personal, and finding people who communicate in ways that work for you matters.
The shidduch process is awkward, draining, and inherently uncomfortable. Nobody expects you to be perfect. You’re going to occasionally send a typo or panic over a response. Just remember that behind the phone screen, shadchanim are trying to manage an absolute mountain of messages. Every text doesn’t have to be a masterpiece to get our attention. You just need to show basic social courtesy so we can focus on finding you a match.
