What if the reason your dates keep failing has nothing to do with the other person?
What if the biggest rejection in dating isn’t from other people, it’s the rejection you do to yourself before they ever meet you?
Does this scenario sound familiar?
You’re on a date. They ask about your week. You answer with something short. They ask a follow-up question. You give another brief response. In your head, you’re screening every possible thing you could say, rejecting each one before it leaves your mouth.
“That sounds boring.”
“Wait, was that TOO boring? Should I add a joke? No, don’t force a joke.”
Now you’re overthinking the joke you didn’t even make…
The thought running underneath all of it? I’m not good enough.
So you say almost nothing. Let them do most of the talking. By the end of the night, they barely know anything about you, and you walk away convinced it went badly.
And you’re right, the date was boring. But you weren’t boring because you’re a boring person. You were boring because your belief that you’re not good enough made you hold back everything interesting about yourself. The belief created the exact outcome you were afraid of.
Talk about a Self-fulfilling prophecy…
The Thoughts Calling the Shots
Here’s what’s actually happening: You have these beliefs about yourself playing on repeat in the background, so constant that you don’t even hear them anymore.
The belief might be: I’m not interesting enough, not attractive enough, not accomplished enough, not enough period.
You don’t walk around consciously thinking these thoughts. They just exist, living rent-free in your brain, making all your decisions for you, and unlike an actual roommate, you can’t just ask your thoughts to move out, but you can ask them to change the script.
Here’s how it works: Your thoughts create your feelings. Your feelings create your actions. Thought: I’m not good enough. Feeling: Anxious. Action: Say almost nothing. Result: Boring date. The thought you started with just proved itself right.
You end up with exactly what you were afraid of.
Another Way it Can Show Up
Here’s what’s fascinating: that same belief—I’m not good enough—doesn’t always make people go quiet. The same thought can cause one person to shut down and another to go into overdrive.
I had a client who for years thought he wasn’t worthy, but instead of clamming up on dates, he dominated every conversation.
He would talk nonstop, barely pausing for breath. He was basically conducting a TED Talk nobody signed up for. He felt like he had to work incredibly hard to prove himself, to show he was worth their time, worthy of being there. This was his way.
Same belief. Completely different behavior. One person goes silent to hide that they’re not enough. The other talks constantly to prove they are enough.
The Shift
What helped him? He tried the Quick-Shift Affirmation Method from my book Finding Forever.
“Honestly, I felt ridiculous doing it. I felt like I was arguing with myself,” he told me when he reached out. “But I kept doing it. And after a few weeks, I noticed something. I didn’t feel like I had to fill every silence anymore. I could just be on the date without constantly trying to prove myself.”
The shift wasn’t immediate, but on his next few dates, when he caught himself starting to ramble, he paused. Let the other person talk. It felt strange at first, uncomfortable even, but the conversations definitely flowed better. He wasn’t exhausting himself trying to earn his spot at the table.
His negative self-perception didn’t disappear completely. But it loosened enough that he could actually connect with someone instead of performing for them.
How It Works
This isn’t the type of affirmations where you stand in front of a mirror saying “I’m amazing” until your roommate walks in and you feel caught doing something illegal.
This is different. You’re going to have a back-and-forth conversation with yourself. Affirmation, then doubt, then affirmation again. You let the resistance speak instead of pretending it’s not there.
Here’s what you do:
- Pick an affirmation that contradicts your belief. Let’s use: “I am interesting and enjoyable to be around.”
- Say it out loud. Your brain will immediately argue. Good. Let it.
- Say the doubt out loud.
- Repeat the affirmation.
Keep going until the affirmation starts feeling less like you’re lying to yourself and more like… maybe this could be true?
Here’s what it sounds like:
I am interesting and enjoyable to be around.
“But what if I run out of things to say and we just sit there in painful silence?”
I am interesting and enjoyable to be around.
“I always feel like I’m either talking too much or not enough. There’s no in-between.”
I am interesting and enjoyable to be around.
“What if they’re just being polite and counting down the minutes until they can leave?”
I am interesting and enjoyable to be around.
“Okay, wait. I have actual friends. Who reach out to me. Who want to spend time with me. That’s not nothing.”
I am interesting and enjoyable to be around.
“Being nervous doesn’t mean I’m boring. It just means I care how this goes.”
I am interesting and enjoyable to be around.
“Silence isn’t always awkward. Sometimes it’s just two people being comfortable.”
I am interesting and enjoyable to be around.
“The right person will like who I actually am—not the performing seal version of me trying to prove something.”
I am interesting and enjoyable to be around.
See what happened? You’re not pretending the thought doesn’t exist. You’re talking to it. And your brain starts going, “Huh. Maybe we’re not as doomed as we thought.”
Why This Actually Works
I know what you’re thinking. ‘This is just me talking to myself like a weird person.’ Yes. That’s exactly what it is. And it works because you are not trying to fake confidence or force yourself to believe something through sheer willpower. You’re working through the resistance in real time. The back-and-forth allows your brain to process the doubt instead of simply suppressing it and hoping for the best.
This isn’t magic. One round won’t erase a belief you’ve carried for twenty years. That would be nice, but brains don’t work that way.
If you stay consistent, the belief starts loosening its grip. You may catch yourself mid-spiral and be able to redirect. You show up feeling more like yourself and less like you’re trying to pass an audition.
But, and this is key, you have to actually do it. Regularly. Not just once when you’re feeling motivated and then never again.
Your Move
Think about a belief that’s been running your dating life. What are you actually afraid of?
Write down an affirmation that challenges it directly. It doesn’t need to be perfect or fancy; it just needs to speak to your specific fear or doubt.
Then do the exercise. Out loud. Have the full awkward conversation with yourself.
Feel ridiculous? Perfect. That means you’re doing it right.
And once you do it—really do it—ask yourself this: What would dating feel like if I actually believed I was interesting and enjoyable to be around?
There’s only one way to find out.
Most people will read this, think ‘interesting,’ maybe screenshot it for later, and then… absolutely nothing. They’ll keep dating the same way, get the same results, and wonder why nothing changes.
Don’t be most people.
If you’re ready to fire yourself as your own worst enemy and want help doing it, I’m here for that. I work one-on-one with my clients to identify the beliefs holding them back, shift those thoughts, and stop the self-sabotage.
I currently have limited coaching spots available. If you’re ready to stop being your own worst date, let’s talk.
Miriam
P.S. I’m taking Finding Forever from page to stage! I’m currently booking stops for the Finding Forever Live book tour. If you’d like to bring this to your community, let’s talk.
