I was watching my two-year-old grandson eat pizza the other day, and it was driving me crazy. The kid was doing everything wrong – he started with the crust, took random bites from the middle, and then licked the cheese off. Everything in me wanted to jump in and say, “No, no, no—that’s not how civilized people eat pizza! You start at the tip and work your way back, neat and proper.”
Luckily, I stopped myself, because I realized he had accomplished the goal: to eat dinner.
Yes – cheese and sauce were smeared all across his face, crumbs were everywhere, yet his smile was one of absolute satisfaction and pride. He was happy.
So, what was wrong with his pizza-eating method? (Besides the mess.)
Nothing at all.
Let Them Do It Badly
That pizza moment reminded me of something I once heard Jordan Peterson, the clinical psychologist and author, say: “Let them do it badly.” This advice sounds terrible – why would you want someone to mess things up? But watching my grandson eat pizza in his own chaotic way, I finally understood what Peterson really meant.
He wasn’t saying to let people fail or do harm. He was talking about moments like these – when someone is doing something in a way that’s different from how you would do it, but they’re still getting the job done – resist the urge to correct them. My grandson wasn’t eating pizza wrong, he was just eating it differently than I would.
The outcome was the same: consumed pizza, happy kid.
Peterson’s point is that when you constantly correct people just because their method isn’t your method, they eventually stop being comfortable being themselves around you. Also, when people try to help you but you keep criticizing their approach, they’ll stop trying altogether. Relationships start to deteriorate because of the constant judgment and “helpful” corrections.
The Judgment Reflex
We all have an inner critic that insists our way is the “proper” way. It sneaks out when we watch someone do things differently than we would:
- A coworker tackles a project in a way that feels strange to you, but still gets it done.
- A friend hosts Shabbos meals way more casually – paper goods, no matching napkins – yet everyone still has a great time.
- Another parent handles their kids with a style you’d never use, but their kids are thriving.
Different doesn’t necessarily mean wrong. But it often feels wrong to us, simply because it’s not how we would have done it.
Learning Someone’s Pizza Style
Dating is basically watching someone eat pizza for the first time. Everything they do is new to you, and your brain starts making a mental list of all the ways they do things differently from you. The question is: are you going to let them have their own style, or are you going to try to teach them yours?
You see it in little things:
- The way they order food. You glance at the menu, pick something, and move on. Meanwhile, they’re asking the waiter ten questions – “Is the sauce dairy-free? Can you swap the side? How spicy is mild?” and you’re sitting there thinking, just order already!
- The way they eat salad. You go for a balanced bite – lettuce, tomato, cucumber, done. They first pick out all the croutons. Then one by one they go for the cucumbers and the tomatoes, and then finally cherry-pick every piece of avocado, leaving behind a sad pile of greens. You’re sitting there wondering if salads now come with step-by-step eating instructions.
- The way they carry a conversation. You know those people who tell stories with every detail – background, side notes, the whole buildup – before finally getting to the point. You, on the other hand, prefer quick exchanges. As they give their whole spiel, you try to focus on what they are saying, but can’t help thinking, “Do I jump in?” Do I laugh? Do I order another drink while this story finishes?
None of these are “wrong.” They’re just not your way. But in the moment, it can feel like a giant red flag when really, it’s just a different style.
The Helper’s Dilemma
Fast forward to marriage, and the same thing happens at home. Your spouse offers to help, and instead of being grateful, you’re silently (or not so silently) critiquing their technique:
- They cook the chicken differently than you do. You season it with your secret blend, flip it twice, and let it crisp just right. They throw on some salt, drown it in sauce, and proudly announce dinner is served.
- Grocery shopping. You start with a list organized into sections, then proceed aisle by aisle. They just wing it, zigzagging all across the store, randomly tossing things into the cart. And somehow, you both come home with 4 boxes of groceries and ingredients for dinner.
- They load the dishwasher in a way that makes no sense to you. You place cups on top, plates on the bottom, with everything facing inward. They toss in bowls at random angles, silverware upside down, and you feel your blood pressure rise.
In most areas of life, there really isn’t just one “right way.” Sure, some things are non-negotiable – you can’t decide to read English from right to left and expect anyone to follow along. And if you’re in America, you can’t just drive on the left side of the road because “that’s your way.” That’s not different. That’s dangerous.
But for almost everything else, different isn’t wrong. It’s simply not your way. And that’s okay.
The Pizza Takeaway
My grandson taught me something important that day, even though he had no idea he was being a teacher. He showed me that there isn’t just one right way to eat pizza.
There isn’t just one way to make decisions, tell stories, be social, load the dishwasher, cook dinner, or show love.
Now, when I catch myself getting frustrated with someone’s different approach to something, I ask myself a simple question: Are we both just eating pizza?
Are we both trying to accomplish the same thing, just in different ways?
Most of the time, the answer is yes.
That person who takes forever to make decisions is just trying to make good choices.
That person you’re dating who tells long stories is just trying to share their life with you.
That spouse who does household tasks differently is just trying to be helpful.
Different doesn’t mean wrong. It just means different. And once you understand that, everything becomes easier.
Your relationships become less stressful because you’re not constantly managing other people’s methods. You waste less energy being annoyed by things that don’t actually affect the outcome. And you create space for people to be themselves around you – which is what good relationships are all about.
So, the next time you catch yourself wanting to correct someone’s approach, remember the pizza. They might be eating it crust-first, but that’s perfectly fine (for them).
