Don’t think about a pink elephant.
What did you just think about? Exactly.
Your brain just proved something fascinating: when someone tells you NOT to think about something, that’s precisely what your mind focuses on. The word “don’t” gets lost in translation, but “pink elephant” sticks like glue.
The Psychology Behind the Problem
This isn’t just a cute party trick – it’s how our brains are wired. When we hear negative commands like “don’t panic” or “no stress,” our minds latch onto the main action word (panic, stress) and essentially ignore the “don’t” or “no.” It’s called ironic process theory, and it explains why telling someone not to think about something virtually guarantees they will.
This psychological quirk turns our most considerate intentions into opposite outcomes. We think we’re being thoughtful, but we’re accidentally highlighting exactly what we want people to avoid feeling.
My Aha Moment
I decided to write about this topic after a conversation with my daughter last week. I was discussing something with her and said, “I don’t mean to pressure you.” Without missing a beat, she responded, “That’s exactly what you’re doing.”
The words we use have power, and our brains hang onto the main word in any statement – they don’t realize we’re trying to say the opposite. That innocent phrase “I don’t mean to pressure you” became a neon sign flashing “PRESSURE! PRESSURE! PRESSURE!”
Once I realized this was happening, I started noticing these verbal traps everywhere – especially in shidduch conversations where the stakes feel high and everyone is trying extra hard to be thoughtful.
What Singles Should Stop Saying
Let’s start with singles who think they’re being diplomatic in their conversations. You’re afraid to be direct, so you soften your words. But instead of making things easier, you’re accidentally sending the wrong message…
The Gratitude Trap You say: “I’m not trying to be ungrateful…” Your shadchan’s brain: UNGRATEFUL! UNGRATEFUL! UNGRATEFUL!
What you should say instead: “Thank you for the suggestion”
The Desperation Declaration You say: “I don’t want to sound desperate…” Your shadchan’s brain: She sounds so DESPERATE!
What you should say instead: “I’m eager to find the right person.”
The Demanding Disclaimer You say: “I’m not trying to be demanding…” Your shadchan’s brain: Uh oh, here comes the DEMANDS.
What you should say instead: “These things are important to me.”
The Shallow Confession You say: “I don’t want to sound shallow…” Your shadchan’s brain: SHALLOW ALERT! SHALLOW ALERT!
What you should say instead: “Physical attraction matters to me.”
The Unrealistic Question You say: “I’m not being unrealistic, am I?” Your shadchan’s brain: She’s worried she’s UNREALISTIC… maybe she IS.
What you should say instead: “I know what works for me.”
See what’s happening? You’re afraid to be direct, so you soften your words, but you’re accidentally planting exactly the wrong seeds in their mind.
What Shadchanim Should Stop Saying
Now let’s flip the script. You’re the shadchan trying to be considerate and supportive. Your intentions are pure gold, but your execution? Well…
The Pressure Prevention Paradox You say: “No pressure to say yes.” Their brain: PRESSURE! Why did they mention PRESSURE? Now I feel PRESSURE!
What you should say instead: “Let me know if you’re interested.”
The Rush Hour Rush You say: “No rush to decide.” Their brain: RUSH? Was I supposed to rush? Am I taking too long? I feel RUSHED!
What you should say instead: “You can let me know when you’ve had a chance to think about it.”
The Worry Wormhole You say: “Don’t worry if you feel it’s not for you.” Their brain: WORRY? Should I be worried? What if I’m missing something to WORRY about?
What you should say instead: “I’ll understand whatever you decide.”
The Pushy Prevention You say: “I don’t want to push you.” Their brain: PUSH! Am I being PUSHED? This feels like being PUSHED!
What you should say instead: “What are your thoughts?”
The Nervous Notification You say: “Don’t be nervous about the date.” Their brain: NERVOUS! Why would I be NERVOUS? Now I’m NERVOUS that I should be NERVOUS!
What you should say instead: “I think you’ll really enjoy meeting them.”
This shadchan didn’t get the memo about the pink elephant:
Faigy had her eyes on Shloimy for a while and finally reached out to Mrs. Klein the shadchan to redt it. A few days later Mrs. Klein called Faigy and told her, “Hey, don’t be upset,” she began (never a comforting start), “but I ended up suggesting Yocheved for Shloimy instead of you. Don’t take it personally — I just thought he’d be more likely to say yes to her.”
All Faigy heard was: get upset and take it personally. The word don’t was completely invisible. (Also, exactly how is Faigy supposed to take this update if not personally? Academically?)
The Simple Solution
The fix is surprisingly simple: stop mentioning what you don’t want people to feel. Instead of telling someone what NOT to do or feel, just tell them what you DO want or expect.
Be direct. Be confident. Be clear.
When you remove words like “pressure,” “worry,” and “rush” from your vocabulary entirely, those feelings often disappear too. Your calm, matter-of-fact tone becomes contagious.
Words create reality. The phrases we choose don’t just describe what’s happening – they actually shape what happens next. In the delicate dance of shidduch conversations, this matters more than we realize.
So, the next time you’re about to say “no pressure” or “don’t worry,” remember the pink elephant. Then choose different words entirely.
Your conversations will feel lighter, your suggestions will land better, and everyone involved will breathe a little easier.
Now, whatever you do, don’t think about how much better your next shidduch conversation is going to go.
(See what I did there?)
Miriam
P.S. I’m bursting with excitement – my book is coming out soon! Sign up at menuchapublishers.com/products/finding-forever to be notified the moment it’s available!
