“דְּאָגָה בְלֶב־אִישׁ יַשְׁחֶנָּה וְדָבָר טוֹב יְשַׂמְּחֶנָּה”
“Anxiety in a person’s heart weighs it down, but a good word turns it to joy” – Proverbs 12:25
The power of a good word can change someone’s entire world – and nowhere is this more true than in the dating journey. Let’s paint a familiar scene. A parent sits at the kitchen table, watching their daughter push away another untouched cup of coffee after yet another disappointing date. A shadchan reads the gentle “it’s not for me” message, knowing the depth of hope that preceded it. A brother notices his sister quietly slip away early from another family simcha, avoiding the well-meaning but painful questions about her dating life. A friend receives that late-night text: “Are you up? I really need to talk…” and knows exactly what those words mean. These moments unfold daily – in quiet corners of our homes, through late-night phone calls, and in heartbreaking text messages. In each of these scenes, a single person carries the weight of their journey, longing not for answers, but for understanding.
The Impact of Kind Words
If you’re like most well-meaning people – whether parent, sibling, friend, or matchmaker – you might feel an overwhelming urge to fix everything. Your advice-giving motor starts revving up: “Have you tried changing your dating profile pictures? Maybe if you were more flexible about height? What about speed dating? My cousin’s neighbor’s niece met their spouse at one!”
Stop. Take a deep breath. Put that advice-giving motor in park.
Beyond Advice: What Singles Really Need
Here’s what many of us don’t realize: When singles come to us with their dating struggles, they’re usually not looking for a twelve-step plan to find their soulmate. They’re not seeking a relationship expert or a life strategist. Most of the time, they’re looking for something much simpler and yet somehow much harder for us to give: understanding.
Think about it. Do you really believe they haven’t already considered every piece of advice you’re about to give? That they haven’t spent countless nights analyzing their approach to dating from every possible angle? That they haven’t already received enough unsolicited advice to fill a self-help book titled “Things I Never Asked to Hear”?
Practical Ways to Show Support
The real gift you can offer isn’t solutions or strategies – it’s creating a safe space where they can express their feelings without judgment. A moment where they don’t have to defend their choices or explain their standards. A conversation where they can simply be heard and understood. Sometimes, just knowing someone is truly listening can provide more comfort than any advice ever could.
For Parents
Instead of: “Why don’t you give him/her another chance?”
Try: “We trust your judgment, and we’re here to support you.”
For Siblings
Instead of: “You’re being too choosy!”
Try: “I know this isn’t easy, but you’re handling it with such grace.”
For Friends
Instead of: “You need to get out more!”
Try: “Would you like to grab coffee? I’m here to listen.”
For Shadchanim
Instead of: “You need to be more open-minded…”
Try: “Let’s take the time to really understand what you’re looking for.”
Understanding What’s Not Being Said
When they say: “Am I being too picky?”
They mean: “I’m questioning if my standards are valid”
Respond with: “Your standards come from knowing your values and what matters to you”
When they say: “Maybe I’m just meant to be alone…”
They mean: “I’m losing hope and need encouragement”
Respond with: “This chapter of your life is difficult, but it’s not the end of your story”
When they say: “I’m taking a break from dating for a while…”
They mean: “I’m emotionally exhausted and need understanding”
Respond with: “Taking care of yourself is important – I’m here whenever you need me”
When they say: “Everyone else is getting married except me…”
They mean: “I feel left behind and different”
Respond with: “Every person’s journey is unique – yours will unfold in its own time”
When they say: “I’ve tried everything…”
They mean: “I’m frustrated and feeling hopeless”
Respond with: “I hear how challenging this is, and I believe things will work out for you”
The Power of Understanding
Let’s be honest – some of our “helpful” suggestions can be unintentionally hilarious. “Have you tried smiling more?” (Because apparently, the secret to finding true love is walking around with a permanent grin like a teenage romance novel cover model.) “Maybe you’re too focused on finding someone?” (Right, because the best relationships happen when you’re actively trying to avoid them while running errands at Target.)
But here’s where it gets serious: Words have power. Real power. The kind of power that can turn someone’s day around, lift their spirits, or even change their life’s trajectory. When someone trusts you enough to share their dating struggles, they’re not just sharing information – they’re sharing their heart’s deepest hopes and fears.
That trust is sacred. Handle it with care.
The Power of Simply Being There
Remember: Every single person’s journey is unique. What looks like pickiness to you might be important values to them. What seems like being too choosy might be hard-earned wisdom from past experiences. You’re not walking in their shoes, and you don’t have to. Your role is to walk beside them, offering support, understanding, and yes – those good words that can turn sorrow into joy.
So the next time a single person reaches out to talk, try this revolutionary approach:
– Put your advice-giving instincts in time-out
– Open your ears and your heart
– Offer understanding instead of solutions
– Share words of encouragement and hope
– Remember that sometimes the best thing you can say is “I’m here for you”
Maybe your one good word, your simple act of listening and understanding, will be the bright spot in their day that helps them keep going until they find their match. Sometimes, all it takes is one person to believe in you to help you believe in yourself.
