I recently rewrote a text about fifteen times before sending it. The text was: “Sounds good, thanks.” Three words. And I was editing it like it was a press release. Does it sound cold? Should I add an emoji? Is “thanks” weird? Will they think I’m being sarcastic?
I was completely overthinking an insignificant text because I was worried about what the recipient would think. After fifteen revisions, I finally asked myself: Miriam, what are you doing?
And I didn’t have a good answer.
Can we talk about how much mental real estate we give to other people’s opinions? We treat other people’s opinions like final verdicts — as if they know something about us that we don’t. As if their approval is what makes our choices valid.
They don’t. And it doesn’t.
Why Do We Care So Much?
Somewhere along the way, we started believing that everyone else’s opinion is more legitimate than our own. We convinced ourselves that we can’t trust our own judgment without backup, that we need approval before we can move forward.
We’ve outsourced our sense of worth. We don’t trust our own thoughts and wait for everyone else to weigh in before we know what we think. And then we wonder why we don’t have healthy self-regard.
What It Costs Us
When we care too much about what people think, we start editing ourselves. We shape ourselves around other people’s preferences. We tweak our opinions, our personality, our choices. We become a little more this, a little less that — depending on who’s in the room and what we think they would like.
Meryl Streep correctly observed, “The minute you start caring about what other people think is the minute you stop being yourself.”
We stop wearing the thing, saying the thing, wanting the thing — because we’ve told ourselves that other people’s opinions matter more than our own preferences. When we obsess about how we come across, everything starts going through a filter. We want to seem interesting, impressive, likable. But the filter doesn’t make us more likable, it turns us into someone we’re not. We’re trying so hard to be acceptable that we squeeze all the life out of ourselves.
Oscar Wilde wrote, “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”
That’s what’s at stake. We lose ourselves.
The sad part is that half the time, we’re stressing over something that we made up. Unless someone has actually told us what they think, we don’t know. We’re guessing. We imagine our way into their thoughts, assuming what they’re thinking based on a look, a tone, a pause, as if we could somehow figure out what’s going on in their mind.
The Spotlight Isn’t Real
When we walk into a room, we think there’s a spotlight on us, that everyone’s watching, judging. But they’re not. We’re so busy thinking about ourselves — how we’re standing, how we’re coming across, what we should say next, whether anyone thinks we’re weird — that we forget everyone else is doing the exact same thing. Everyone is only thinking me, me, me. No one is paying attention to us because they’re too busy worrying about themselves.
Ann Landers said it perfectly: “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”
Why wait till 60 to figure this out?!
All that worrying. All that adjusting. All that obsessing. For people who aren’t even paying attention.
None of Our Business
Let me say something shocking: what other people think about us is none of our business. That’s right! Their thoughts belong to them. We would love to be mind readers, but we couldn’t access other people’s thoughts even if we tried — and trying is what’s driving us crazy.
And even if we know what they think — so what? An opinion has no power until we give it power. Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. She was right. Most of us have been letting other people’s opinions affect us without realizing we have a choice. We can hear someone’s opinion and decide: “That’s their thought, not mine. It doesn’t have to change how I feel.”
Not Everyone Likes Peaches
It’s not just that we care what people think — we want everyone to like us. And that’s simply not going to happen, no matter how hard we try.
Dita Von Teese said, “You can be the juiciest peach in the world, but there’s always going to be someone who doesn’t like peaches.”
So, if we’re going to be picked apart and criticized either way, we might as well be criticized for being ourselves.
The Irony
The less we care what people think of us, the more people actually like us.
Think about the most likable people we know. The ones who are magnetic, easy to be around, who make us feel comfortable. They’re not monitoring every word. They’re not scanning the room for approval. They’re not performing. They’re just themselves. We like them precisely because they don’t seem to care what people think of them.
When we care too much, people can feel it. There’s this desperate energy — this “please approve of me” vibe — that pushes people away even when we’re trying to pull them in. When we let go of the performance, that energy disappears.
This doesn’t mean trying to be unlikable or not caring about anyone. It’s not about being unkind, cold, or uncaring in a mean way. It just means letting go of the constant monitoring and endless editing.
Trust Ourselves Again
How do we actually do this?
Before asking anyone else what they think, ask yourself first. Get clear on your own opinion. Write it down. Most of the time, you already know the answer — you just forgot to trust it.
Start by making small decisions without asking for opinions. What to wear, what to order, what to say yes or no to. Practice trusting your own judgment on the low-stakes stuff first, and build from there.
Stop over-explaining. You don’t owe anyone a justification for your choices. “No” is a complete sentence. So is “I changed my mind.”
Wear the thing that might be judged. Say the opinion you’ve been holding back. Make bold choices. See what happens. Usually nothing.
And when nothing happens, notice it. After making a choice without asking for approval, pay attention: the world kept spinning. File that away. That’s evidence that we can trust ourselves.
Freedom
“The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think.”
This prison has no walls. Just opinions. Most of them imaginary.
Freedom is trusting our own mind. Making decisions without polling the room. Letting people think whatever they think and being okay with doing things our way.
Dr. Seuss brilliantly remarked, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
We don’t need anyone’s permission to live our lives. We don’t need the whole room to approve before we make a choice. Our opinion of ourselves is the only one that actually matters.
As for me? The next time I text someone “Sounds good, thanks,” I’m sending it. First try. No rewrites. No wondering what they’ll think.
Because what they think is none of my business anyway.
