As the month of Elul kicks off, it’s time to dive into some serious reflection—right between the last beach day and the apple and honey. I know what you’re thinking: “Does this mean I have to start with myself? Can’t I just focus on how my spouse needs to improve?” But here’s the thing: as much as we’d love to fix our spouse’s flaws, the real magic happens when we start with ourselves.
The verse from Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs) “Ani L’dodi V’dodi Li”—”I am for my beloved, and my beloved is for me”—is more than just romantic poetry. It’s an acronym for Elul, the month we’re in right now.
Notice the order: “I am for my beloved” comes first. This means before you expect your beloved to be your personal superhero, you’ve got to don the cape first. This isn’t just poetic; it’s a relationship hack that might save your marriage (or at least your sanity).
The blame game in relationships
Let’s be honest – getting caught up in the blame game is so easy. You know how it goes: you notice all the little things your spouse does that get under your skin. Maybe they’re always late, maybe they don’t listen as much as you’d like, or maybe they have this uncanny ability to forget to take out the trash—every single time. It’s tempting to point the finger and say, “This is why things aren’t perfect.”
But here’s the truth: there’s a famous quote in Mishlei (Proverbs 27:19) that says, “כַּמַּיִם הַפָּנִים לַפָּנִים, כֵּן לֵב הָאָדָם לָאָדָם”—”As water reflects the face of a person, so too does the heart reflect what is in it.” Our relationships are like mirrors, reflecting back our own behaviors and attitudes. If we’re constantly noticing flaws in our spouse, we might just see a reflection of something we need to work on ourselves.
For example, when I get nervous or stressed out with my kids, I may, just occasionally, get a little short with them. Now, I know you all thought I was a perfect mother who never raised her voice—it’s okay, you can admit it. But here’s the truth: when I lose my cool, it’s not pretty. However, when my husband does the same thing? Oh boy, it’s the end of the world! How dare he not be the perfect parent at all times?
The effect of expectations
Expectations play a crucial role in the satisfaction we feel in our relationships. What we expect from our spouse can shape our reality. When we anticipate our spouse to be supportive, loving, or attentive, we’re more likely to notice and appreciate those behaviors when they occur. It’s like when you decide you want a particular car, and suddenly you see it everywhere—it’s not that the car magically appeared more often, but your awareness shifted.
On the flip side, if we expect negativity or disappointment, we may inadvertently focus on those aspects, even when they’re not as prevalent as we think. Our mindset can significantly influence our interactions. If you go into a conversation expecting a fight, you’ll likely find one. But if you approach it with a mindset of understanding and positivity, you’re more likely to have a productive and loving exchange.
The power of positive change
Here’s where the concept of “Ani L’dodi V’dodi Li” really comes into play. If you want your spouse to be more loving, more attentive, more patient—start by being that way yourself. It’s not about changing them; it’s about changing you. When you try to be the kind of spouse you wish your spouse would be, something amazing happens: your spouse starts to change too.
Imagine this scenario: You’ve been frustrated because your spouse isn’t as communicative as you’d like. Instead of stewing in silence or dropping passive-aggressive hints, you take the lead. You start initiating more conversations, really listening when your spouse talks, and showing interest in what they have to say. Over time, you notice that your spouse opens up more, feeling safer and more appreciated. By changing your approach, you’ve created a space where your spouse feels encouraged to change too.
Or maybe you’ve felt unappreciated, like your efforts around the house go unnoticed. Instead of letting resentment build, you choose to start expressing gratitude for the things your spouse does—no matter how small. You thank them for taking out the trash, for picking up dinner, for making you laugh. And soon enough, you start to hear more “thank yous” coming your way as well. Your spouse is simply mirroring the positivity you’ve put out there.
Looking inward for change
If you’re willing to take an honest look at yourself, you might find you’re as much at fault for the state of your relationship as your spouse. Admitting this isn’t easy, but acknowledging your role opens the door to real change.
So instead of focusing on what your spouse could do better, ask yourself: What can I do to improve? How can I become the spouse I want my spouse to be? By taking responsibility for our actions, we can break the blame cycle and create a more loving, harmonious relationship—cue the happy dance.
You have more power than you think. While you can’t control everything in your marriage, you can control how you respond—and that can change everything. By becoming the spouse you want your spouse to be—more loving, patient, and understanding—you set the tone for your relationship. So why not start today? Throw in some extra kindness, sprinkle in a bit of gratitude, and watch how it transforms the dynamic. You don’t need to wait for your spouse to change—you’ve got the power to start the change right now.
