My seventeen-year-old came home from school last week and informed me, with the confidence only a teenager can manage, that there’s a difference between sympathy and empathy.
“Did you know that, Ma?”
Considering what I do for a living, I could have mentioned that I’d heard of it. Instead, I said, “Really? Tell me more,” because if there’s one thing I learned, it’s that the fastest way to end a connection with a teenager is to tell her you already know.
So she explained it. Sympathy, she said, is feeling sorry for someone. Empathy is trying to feel it with them.
It was a pretty good definition, better than others I have heard, and it got me thinking about the way singles describe the people they’re dating.
He’s kind, responsible, thoughtful, easygoing, has good middos, and comes from a wonderful family.
She’s warm, caring, intelligent, generous, and everyone has only good things to say about her.
All excellent qualities, of course. Nobody is suggesting we take good middos off the list. But empathy rarely makes it onto anyone’s list, which is a shame, because it can tell you quite a bit about the person you’re dating.
Sorry for You
Imagine you spent three weeks preparing a presentation at work, and five minutes before the meeting, your boss canceled it. You finally get a chance to tell the person you’re dating what happened, and they respond, “Oh no, that’s terrible! I’m so sorry.”
A perfectly nice response. You appreciate their concern.
Now imagine they say, “Three weeks? And he canceled five minutes before? You must have been so ready to finally get it over with. What did you even do with yourself after that?”
Both responses are caring, but they aren’t the same. The first is what my daughter would call sympathy. The person feels bad that something went wrong for you and tells you so, and in a way, that’s the end of it, because there isn’t much left to say after “I’m so sorry.”
The second is empathy. The person caught the three weeks, pictured how ready you were, and wanted to hear the rest.
There’s nothing wrong with sympathy, and we could all use more of it. But someone can be incredibly kind, the first to help a neighbor or drive you to the airport at five in the morning, and still look a little lost when you tell them how you feel. They care. They really do. They just don’t quite get it.
The Happy Part Is Harder
We tend to think of empathy as something for bad days, but it matters just as much when the news is good.
Think about what happens when you share something you’re excited about. You got into a program you’ve been hoping to join, or finally accomplished something you’ve been working toward for years. An empathetic person doesn’t say “That’s nice” and move on to the next topic. They want to know why it means so much to you. Someone who would rather do almost anything than talk about accounting can still be thrilled that you passed the CPA exam, because they know what it took to get there.
There’s a Yiddish word for this that English never managed to translate. Farginen means being truly glad about someone else’s good fortune, without a trace of wishing it were yours instead.
Sometimes it’s the hardest kind of empathy. Anyone who has stood at a friend’s vort, smiling for what feels like the hundredth time while quietly wondering when it will be their turn, knows that being sorry for someone is easy. Being happy for them, really happy, can take everything you have.
It’s Really Not a Big Deal (Except It Is)
Here’s where I have to confess something.
When my daughter comes home upset about something that happened at school, a comment from a friend, a test grade that will matter for approximately one day, a missed bus, my first instinct, more often than I’d like to admit, is to tell her it’s not a big deal. But to her, right now, it is a big deal.
We all do some version of this. Let’s say the person you’re dating is trying to decide whether to take a new job. You’ve listened to the options, thought about it for approximately thirty seconds, and the answer seems obvious.
Meanwhile, they’re on week four of thinking about it.
We tend to judge other people’s reactions by how we would feel in the same situation. If I wouldn’t be upset by that comment, why are you?
If I wouldn’t be nervous about that decision, what’s making you so anxious?
If I could get over something quickly, why can’t you?
You don’t have to agree that the situation deserves so much worrying, and you can still think they’re overthinking it. But can you feel for them, even if you wouldn’t be anxious in their place? Empathy isn’t about deciding whether someone’s feelings are justified based on how you would react. It’s about caring that those feelings are real to them.
That doesn’t mean nodding along to absolutely everything. Someone who agrees with every word you say isn’t empathetic, they’re a bobblehead, and that gets old very quickly. The person worth finding can respectfully disagree with you and still want to understand where you’re coming from.
Not Everything Needs a Solution
I’ll confess this one too. My kids have barely finished the first sentence of a story before I’m ready with a complete action plan.
“Just call her.”
“Tell the teacher.”
“Why don’t you stop worrying about it?”
I’m sure my daughter is thinking, Thank you. I hadn’t thought of simply not worrying. I’ll give that a try.
Why do we do it? Usually because we love them and can’t stand watching them struggle. But if we’re honest, it’s also because a solution is easier than sitting with someone’s pain. Fixing lets us do something. Listening means staying there while it hurts, without being able to make it stop, and that’s much harder.
When dating, notice whether the person across from you takes an interest in what you’re saying or jumps straight to telling you what you should do. And notice whether you do the same. Advice has its place, but it means a lot when someone wants to understand your experience before trying to fix it.
“I Was Only Joking!”
Another area where empathy becomes important is when someone says or does something that unintentionally hurts another person’s feelings.
It took two days and at least three rehearsals, but you finally bring up the comment that’s been replaying in your head since your last date. “What you said about my job kind of bothered me.”
“I was only joking! You know I didn’t mean anything by it.”
Well, that’s nice. Except you’re still hurt.
Now what if they respond, “I really was joking, but I didn’t realize it would bother you. I’m sorry.”
The intention was exactly the same in both situations. The difference is the willingness to recognize that someone else experienced the comment differently.
We all say things we shouldn’t. We make jokes that fall flat, misunderstand each other, and sometimes speak before our brains have had a chance to catch up.
Can they hear that they hurt your feelings without immediately defending themselves? Can they acknowledge your experience even when they disagree with your interpretation?
A little empathy goes a long way.
So How Do You Recognize It?
I wouldn’t suggest showing up to your next date with a prepared list of empathy-testing scenarios. Dating is complicated enough without adding a surprise examination.
Empathy isn’t always obvious in the way someone speaks. Some people are naturally warm and comfortable talking about feelings, while others are quieter or take longer to open up. Being good with words doesn’t automatically make someone empathetic any more than being less expressive means they aren’t.
Instead, pay attention to how they talk about the people in their lives. When they describe a disagreement, do they acknowledge the other person’s side, even if they still think they were right?
When they talk about someone who’s struggling, do they sound understanding or quick to judge?
And when you share something that matters to you, do they ask questions because they care to know more, or because they’re trying to keep the conversation going?
Nobody Gets It Right Every Time
Some people, after a rough day, want to tell you every last detail, starting from the moment the alarm didn’t ring. Others want you to notice they’re upset and then please, please don’t ask about it. Some hear a question as caring, and some hear it as prying. A few dates in, you’re both still guessing which kind of person is sitting across from you.
You’ll get better at reading each other over time, but even then, everyone has off days. You finally bring up something that’s been weighing on you, they’re distracted or only half-listening, and their response isn’t what you were hoping for.
You can’t expect someone to always know what to say, understand every feeling right away, or respond perfectly in every situation. That’s an unrealistic expectation, and probably not one any of us could meet ourselves.
But if you do find someone who can, please let me know. I have quite a few singles who’d like to meet them.
Miriam
P.S. Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk things through with, ask questions, and get a fresh perspective. If you’re interested in working with me one-on-one, you can read more about my coaching by clicking here: For first-time singles or second-time singles.
