I hope last week’s post got you thinking about living in alignment — how the person we present to the world should match who we truly are inside.
Wants vs Needs in Dating
This week, I want to talk about something that comes up all the time with clients — the difference between wants vs needs in dating — and how it can totally shift the way you approach your dating journey.
Sarah (not her real name – though honestly, the name doesn’t matter because this story is so common it could be about countless clients I’ve worked with) came to our session prepared with a list of qualities she wanted in a potential spouse. It was impressive – detailed, thoughtful, and… three pages long.
“What’s wrong with knowing what I want?” she asked when she saw my expression.
Nothing at all. But as we talked, I realized Sarah was doing something I see all too often: confusing her “wants” with her actual “needs.”
The Burger Analogy: Toppings vs Substance
Here’s what I mean:
I asked Sarah to imagine she ordered the perfect burger—her absolute dream burger with every topping imaginable: caramelized onions, avocado, lettuce, tomato, pickles, garlic aioli, and even a fried egg on top. Then I asked, “What if you unwrapped it and found all the fancy toppings… but no actual burger patty? Would you still be satisfied?”
She laughed. “Of course not! What’s the point of all those toppings without the burger?“
Exactly.
In dating, we often focus so much on the “toppings” – height, age, career, location, or personality traits that would be nice to have – that we risk missing out on the “burger” – the core qualities that will actually sustain a marriage through life’s challenges.
Think about it: How many potential matches have you dismissed because they were missing a “topping” that, in the grand scheme of things, might not actually be essential to your happiness?
I’m not suggesting you lower your standards—not at all. I’m suggesting you get crystal clear on what your true standards are, because when you know the difference between what you want and what you need, dating becomes less overwhelming and more purposeful.
This confusion between wants and needs is not only common but especially challenging in today’s dating world.
Why Daters Are Getting Pickier
In today’s shidduch world, many singles struggle with not getting enough (or any) suggestions. When suggestions are limited, it would seem that there would be a natural tendency to say yes more often, but the opposite seems to be true.
Daters have become even more selective about who they say yes to.
They scrutinize each potential match more intensely, often focusing on minor details that might not actually impact long-term happiness. It’s like being really hungry at a restaurant, waiting an hour for your food to arrive, and then sending it back because you don’t like how the garnish is arranged on the plate.
It is interesting how the fewer suggestions people receive, the more they feel they need to be “perfect” about their decision-making. They worry about saying yes to someone who doesn’t match every item on their checklist, fearing they might miss out on a “better” match later.
This scarcity mindset can lead us to dismiss potentially wonderful matches over “toppings” rather than focusing on whether the essential “burger” qualities are present. We might pass on someone because they didn’t go to the “right” seminary or yeshiva, or because their family isn’t from the “right” community, without considering whether these factors truly affect compatibility where it matters most.
Real-Life Examples
I’ve seen this play out in so many ways. There was a client who turned down a great guy whose values aligned with hers, but he wasn’t “ambitious enough” professionally. Six months later, she met someone with the impressive career she wanted, but he had no time for her and couldn’t emotionally connect. The “topping” she prioritized came at the expense of the “burger” she actually needed.
Another client kept saying she needed to marry someone outgoing and social because she was on the quiet side. She thought she needed someone who could “balance her out” at gatherings and family events. (As if marriage is like a seesaw that needs perfect weight distribution at all times.)
When I pointed out her closest friends were all quiet like her, she had her lightbulb moment. Her true need wasn’t an outgoing spouse, but feeling understood and accepted. Once this clicked, she stopped overlooking quieter guys and found someone who truly got her – even without being the life of the party.
How to Tell a Need from a Want
So, how do you tell the difference between a genuine need and just a nice-to-have want?
A need is something that, if absent, would make it difficult for you to feel fulfilled in your marriage, regardless of how many other boxes your spouse checks.
A want is something that would enhance your relationship but isn’t essential to your emotional well-being.
Another way to think about it: If your spouse lacked this quality, would it fundamentally affect your day-to-day happiness? Or would it be something you could work around or even grow to appreciate?
The answers are different for everyone. What’s a non-negotiable need for your friend might be just a nice-to-have preference for you. That’s why copying someone else’s list never works – you have to go through the process of discovery yourself. In the book, I share many great tips on how to create your needs and wants list.
Put It into Practice:
Your Dating Priority Check
This week, I invite you to do a simple but revealing exercise that might shift your entire perspective on dating:
Step 1: Think about your last three “no’s” in dating – people you declined to go out with.
Step 2: For each one, write down the specific reason(s) you said no. Be honest with yourself here – not the polite reason you might have given them, but the real reason(s) you decided they weren’t right for you.
Step 3: For each reason, ask yourself these three questions:
• If everything else about this person had been exactly what I wanted, would this still have been a deal-breaker?
• How would this quality (or lack thereof) affect my day-to-day happiness in a marriage five years from now?
• Is this something I genuinely need, or is it a preference I’ve been taught to value by others?
Step 4: Now for the challenging part. Look at your current “must-have” list (we all have one, whether written down or in our heads). Pick three qualities that feel important to you and put them through the same three questions above.
This exercise helps to increase self-awareness about the difference between your authentic needs and the preferences you might have picked up from family, friends, culture, or media.
Some people are surprised to discover that qualities they thought were absolute needs are actually flexible preferences. Others confirm that their deal-breakers truly are essential for their happiness – and that’s valuable clarity too!
Be brutally honest with yourself throughout this process. No one else needs to see your answers. This is about gaining insight that will help you make better decisions for YOUR future happiness.
What’s one “topping” you’ve been treating as a “burger”? I’d love to know!
Until next week,
